Melancholia
by blackswaninlust
Summary: Bella lost more than love, she lost herself. Will she be able to overcome the tragedy or will she just succumb to the intense sadness that has followed her around for years? AH/OOC
1. Chapter 1

Melancholia

Chapter One

I never felt like I was a child. My first memories of growing up were taking care of others. As a teenager I desired to make my own decisions and be independent from my overbearing parents. A college degree in journalism, a cozy place of my own, and my writing career were all a part of my future. I would have lots of friends and we would go on amazing vacations together. Successful, handsome men would date me. We would go to the trendiest restaurants and newest nightclubs.

Eventually I would meet the man of my dreams and walk down the aisle in a couture wedding gown and bind myself to him forever with rings of gold. Children, a four bedroom home, and mini vans were all a part of my future. I even imagined a dog, Labrador Retriever named Max, tearing up my beautiful flower beds and shitting in the neighbors yard. This is all I wanted, hoped for, dreamt about.

I feel guilty for wishing my younger years away and allowing one man to demolish my future. Now that I am an adult those dreams I possessed died the day that _he _decided he didn't want me anymore. They are packed up in an imaginary box buried in the dirt of my psyche, the granite that sits above it reads: _Here lies the pathetic dreams of a foolish girl__._

There are a few things that I am sure of. My name is Isabella Marie Swan. I am 28 years old,I still live with my parents. The rusty, old pick up truck that sits in the driveway belongs to me. It was gifted to me on my 19th birthday and it still runs. I attend night classes at the local college extension center and during the day I am an administrative assistant for McCarty Construction.

The small office I work in daily has a large glass window looking out over the small parking lot and street. Rain falls from the sky more than any other place and the sun is almost non-existent, but today the clouds have parted and the sun is making an appearance. The rays reflect off the windshield of a car that just pulled into the parking space in front of the window. Temporarily blinded by the glare I squint my eyes as the door of the driver's side opens and shuts.

Turning back to my computer screen I continue to concentrate on my morning task. The bell on the door chimes pulling me out of my concentration. Not bothering to look up, assuming it was another salesman of some kind, I keep my eyes on the spreadsheet and speak the memorized greeting effortlessly.

"Welcome to McCarty Construction. How may I help you today?"

A smooth, masculine voice that often haunts my dreams and shattered my heart so many years ago filled the office.

"I am here to meet with Emmett," the man spoke. My head snapped up from from the columns and rows that held my attention most of the morning.

Green eyes, bronze hair, strong jaw, athletic build. He was wearing dark denim jeans that hung low on his hips, a black t-shirt, and a blue down jacket. Although the years had aged him, they were kind and he was as recognizable as he was then.

His name was on the tip of my tongue as my teeth began to bite down. The taste of blood filled my mouth and I swallowed it back.

"Edward," I whispered.

As the name fell from my lips the familiar spots in my vision increased until they turned into complete darkness.

The ringing in my ears roused me from my unconscious mind. Aware of the cold floor and the throbbing in my skull, I knew I was lying down. Struggling to figure out where I was I began to recognize the familiar scenery as the office at work. Bringing my hand to my face I tried to focus.

Muffled voices surrounded me but as the seconds ticked by they become clearer. Emmett. I knew that voice well. The other voice was different, not common to me. It sounds like an argument, the words are hushed barely above a whisper. The words were unclear, but Emmett's tone told me he was not happy.

From where I sit on the floor I am not able to see anyone. It only is a few moments before Emmett is crouched down beside me. Worry fills his eyes as he wraps his arms around me and picks me up from the floor. His touch is comforting as he walks toward his office. I snuggle into his chest and breathe in his scent. The cold of the winter air blended with his unique scent of lumber and laundry detergent eases me and pulls me farther from the darkness.

After placing me on the leather sofa in his office he walks over to the door. The click of the lock makes me feel secure as I look over to him. He is a big guy. Some may even call him intimidating due to his size. Last I knew he stood over six feet tall and is built like those guys on the Strongest Man Competitions that Charlie watches on television. His arms are roughly the size of my thighs and he is known to rock the six pack during the summer while working outdoors. He is big, burly, and does not have a mean bone in his body.

Em is my protector and he has been since we graduated from Forks High. There are so many things I know about my friend. He can put 76 cheese balls in his mouth at one time. He has been known to drink a little too much on occasion. Fiercely protective of the ones he loves. He likes death metal when he folds laundry. He cries at the end of The Notebook. Willing to get up in the middle of the night to change his daughter's diaper. So seeing him pacing the floor in front of me has me concerned because I know something is bothering him. I feel certain that the concern is me.

"What happened out there Bells?" he asks as he places himself at the end of the couch and places my feet onto his lap.

Unaware of how to answer him because my thoughts are jumbled, I shrugged trying to keep the tears that threatened to escape.

"That was Edward," I spoke quietly, eyes downcast. His name tumbled from my lips and forced the situation from it's dreamlike feel. The immediate realness of the moment negated all the years that I tried to convince myself that he was not.

"You know him?" he asked.

"Yes. Do you know him?" I snapped back frustrated with the situation and how it was starting to unfold.

"I met him at UW my junior year. We lived in the same apartment building. He called me last week and asked if I could meet up with him about a job," he explained. It was not the answer I was looking for because it did not matter where he met him I wanted to know why he was here, in my town, in Forks.

"I walked in and found you passed out on the floor. Do you have any idea how scared I was?" he said to me. The look on his face is nothing but worry.

"It's him. That man out there is the reason I dropped out of college. Edward Cullen is the man you promised to kick the shit out of for me if you ever ran into him," I said as I pulled my legs from his lap and stood up after finally revealing the name of the man who changed my life and shattered my soul. My heart was still intact though because I felt it beat wildly inside my chest. My spirit, the very essence of who I was in the past was stolen by Edward Cullen.

I straighten out my shirt and walked to the window that overlooked a small wooded area behind the offices. The snow from this morning sat nestled on the branches of the trees. It was white and pure, so unlike me.

"He wanted me and I gave myself to him. All of me. My time, my thoughts, and my virginity. He consumed me and one day something changed. I don't know what I did or didn't do. He just stopped calling. It had been three days since I last spoken to him when I saw him hanging out with a few of his friends, so I approached him.

I still remember the look on his face. He said I was delusional, we were never more than classmates, someone he knew from campus. I was so angry and started to cry. He laughed as I walked away."

"I thought what we had was the real thing, I know now I was wrong"

Turning from the window I kept my head down as I finished the story.

"I was devastated. He said things to me when we were together, the kind of things two people share when there are strong emotions involved or so I thought. He said he loved me and I know I loved him. A part of me still does.

I locked myself away in my dorm for the next week. I barely ate and only left my bed to use the bathroom. Finally, my room mate had enough and forced me to shower. She brought me to a party the same night and the rest is history.

That was the first night I drank to numb the pain. I continued from there and somewhere along the way I picked up the coke and weed. It helped me from going over the edge until I found out I was..." I stopped because I knew Emmett knew the rest of the story.

Emmett walked over to me and placed his large hands on my bony shoulders.

"That is when you got pregnant with Peyton?" he asked although he knew the answer. I nodded as a quick confirmation. The pain surged through my body when I heard the name. Hands instinctively found themselves rubbing circles against my abdomen. As my hands rested above the once filled womb I felt the ghost kicks and ribbons of phantom pain.

Squeezing my eyes shut I pushed down the memories resisting to the urge to vomit. Emmett pulled me into an embrace and kissed the top of my head.

Before I could acknowledge his gesture the warmth of his presence disappeared as he yanked the door open and stomped through the doorway. From where I stood I could see into the other room and watched where Emmett stood before Edward.

"You ready to go?" he asked nervously as his weight shifted from one foot to another. His voice was shaken, but he managed to get the words out.

Emmett never answered verbally. As soon as he got close enough his fist connected to the sharp line of Edward's jaw.

A/N I want to thank StellaBlueBella, my pre-reader, and Ninmesarra, my beta, for helping me through this. You guys have rocked my world and therefore I am eternally grateful !


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is purposely intended with this story.

Melancholia

Chapter 2

I close my eyes as the commotion from the other room makes itself known. My knees are weak and the sound of blood rushing through my body thumps wildly inside my head.

Frozen in place, I am afraid to move. Voices are loud, but the words are muffled. As quickly as it began it ends with the ringing of the bell attached to the door. Proceeding slowly to the doorway I peek into the small office I occupy daily. The potted plant that sits near my desk has been knocked over. Dirt has spilled over onto the carpet.

Everything else seems to be in it's place. Half a step into the room and I can feel the tension. Thick and heavy, some would say that you could cut it with a knife. Not me, I know that tension can not be cut with anything, no matter how sharp.

Crouching down beside the pot I use my hands to scoop the brown fertilized soil back into the ceramic pot. As I get the last of the clumps I notice that there is still some embedded in the carpet. I brush my fingers over the mess left behind and look at the dirt that has stained my fingers and nails.

In the bathroom I wash my hands and find myself looking at the reflection in the mirror. The water continues to run as I study the face staring at me.

She is lifeless and plain. No spark in her dull brown eyes or tint to her skin. She mimics my expressions and teases me. In my head she tells me that I use to be somebody and now I am no one. I am not special. I am a failure. I am a nobody.

Turning from the reflective glass, I switch the light off and walk to my desk. The computer screen has gone black with the logo of McCarty construction bouncing from each edge of the computer screen.

Wrapping my arms around myself I squeeze tightly. The protective feeling I crave flows through my body. The moment is interrupted by the door being pulled open. Emmett stands in the doorway. His lip is bleeding and he is clenching his fists at his sides.

" Em, are you alright?" I ask as he just stands and glares at me.

" Grab your stuff Bella. I am going to take you home," he says as he switches the overhead fluorescent lights off.

I am confused while I pack my bag. Not sure why I am being asked to leave, I comply.

iPhone. Check.

Bottled water and lunchbox. Check.

Tattered copy of my favorite book. Check.

The noise from the zipper fills the silence as I secure my backpack over my shoulder. I walk towards my friend who has not moved since turning off the lights.

" I am ready," I whisper as I push past him and walk to my truck parked on the side of the building. Fumbling in the front pocket of my bag I curse when I realize I left my keys inside.

"You won't need them because I said I will bring you home," the voice cuts through the winter chill.

Surrendering myself I walk over to his vehicle and place myself in the passenger seat. He has already started the Jeep and turned the fan to high. The air that blows from the vents is cold and I shiver.

"Give it a few seconds and it will warm up," he says. The seriousness of his voice troubles me, but not enough to ask.

As we drive through the streets of our small town I take notice to the houses and people we pass. I see Jessica Newton laying in the snow making angels with her four year old daughter, Lily. Mr. and Mrs. Cope were standing on the sidewalk having a conversation with the mailman, Waylon.

The small shops that line the main street in Forks are open for business. The windows filled with signs and lights. The newest technology, hair product, or dinner special highlighted for all to see.

It is when I see Angela and Ben Cheney coming from Forks First National Bank that I realize something.

Angela is wrapped in Ben's arms as they kiss. I could feel the emotion from the Jeep as we passed by at 25 mph. Realistically, I knew that it was just a kiss, but I also knew that the kiss was very important.

Just this morning my mother told me that the Cheney's were closing on the house they bought across town. It was an epic moment in their lives I witnessed. _I witnessed. _

I have witnessed proposals, marriages, births, promotions, and so many other life altering moments from the sidelines. Never once have I experienced the joy of being a new homeowner, a bride, or a graduate. Never once the center of attention because I don't count the reprehensible situation that haunts me daily.

The Jeep jerks forward as Emmett accelerates. The seat belt cuts harshly across my collarbone and the pain spreads throughout my upper body. I welcome the feeling knowing that even though it is not the happiness I crave. As long as I can feel something, I know that I am still alive. Although I am breathing and the muscle in my chest contracts I feel lifeless.

As we entered my neighborhood Emmett explained that he was going to back to the office to look over the blueprints for the Cheney remodel. When I tried to tell him that I would go with him he asked me to stay home and rest for the remainder of the day. Telling me to call him later I opened the door and slid out from the seat.

I looked at him and saw his sad eyes as I shut the Jeep door and followed the sidewalk leading to the front porch. The concrete sidewalk was no longer even. Charlie complained about the old tree in the front yard and how it's roots were pushing up the sidewalk. All I knew is that each rift reminded me of my life thus far. He wanted to cut the tree down and for a moment I wondered what it would be like to be cut down and removed from the soil. No longer a problem to anyone.

Doing my best not to trip I reach the front porch and climb the stairs to the front door. Emmett was waiting for me to enter the house before pulling away. I wave to let him know I am fine as I open the door.

Muscles ache as I remove my coat and hang it beside the others on the coat rack. The house is quiet. The hum from the refrigerator is the only noise I can detect as I move up the stairs to my room.

Once shut inside I lean against my door and move my hands over my body. They come to rest on my stomach. Closing my eyes I try to remember what it felt like when I was pregnant. I try to remember the fullness, the curve of my body as it stretched to accommodate a child. I remember the emotions I felt the first time my baby moved inside of me.

The rush of joy, sadness, fear, and shame bring me to my knees. I kneel down with my head almost touching the floor and sob. I cry so hard that I convulse as I gasp for air. My hands are tightened into fist as they beat the floor, my wrists ache with each contact. The pain shoots through my arms and radiates through my body.

When I can no longer breathe and the pain becomes too much I let go. The darkness overcomes me and I surrender.

A/N Thank you to StellaBlueBella and Ninmesarra for all the support and feedback.

I don't want to beg for reviews because that is not me although I would love to hear something...anything...and I will give the first reviewer a glimpse into Chapter 3.


	3. Chapter 3

_**No copyright infringement is intended. It all belongs to Stephanie Meyers and Phish, all I own is the demented and angst ridden storyline.**_

Melancholia

Chapter 3

My eyelids are heavy from hours of salted tears that burned the delicate skin on my face. I stretch my body out from under the comforter. My wrists ache and my head is weighted with with questions. What time is it? What day is it? Where am I?

To most people they seem like easy questions, but for me they are not so cut and dry. The last time I felt like this I had secluded myself in my bedroom for two days, lying in a semi conscious state and scaring the shit out of my family. My mother would force me to eat and to take care of my basic needs. By the looks of my clean pajamas I am guessing she took care of me again. The bed side table is filled with a photo of my parents, a glass of water, and the familiar plastic bottle with the white label.

I swing my legs over to the side of the bed. The movement causes me to wince in pain. Angry red lines cover the surface of my thighs. With the softest touch of my hands I run them up the inflamed rows. All five fingertips fall naturally into scrapes. I pull my hands up to inspect my nails. Decently manicured nails once were now have been replaced with broken and short nails. The nail polish has been chipped off and the rounded tips let me now they have been recently filed down.

I hate this feeling. The only barrier to knowing is the closed door across the room. I stare at the gateway to the unknown, it will be easier for me to face this mess sooner than later.

Memories of a few days ago fill my head with doubt and confusion. I had imagined that one day I could have to face the reality that was Edward Cullen, it just never occured to me that it would be so random and unexpected.

Seeing him there in front of me filled me with so many feelings that I have tried to keep locked away for so long. The bad ones, the ones that broke my heart and fucked up my head, I knew I could deal with. It was the ones that brought forth the butterflies and memories of lying in each others arms that took me by surprise.

Nights that I spent wrapped in his arms. Whispering secrets and dreams of a future. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the heat of his skin and the warmth of his breath. His scent captured me and held me hostage like a drug addict impatient for the next fix.

As he loved me his eyes would lock with mine and connect me to him, not just physically but we connected together intimately, or so I thought. It wasn't until he tossed me away like I was nothing, refusing to acknowledge me for who I thought I should be that I knew that he was thief.

A thief who stole my heart without another thought and carelessly shattered it. If I had only known that months later I carried a piece of him with me that would also threaten my heart, but in such an amazing way.

The scraping of wood against wood outside my door catches my attention and pulls me from my traitorous mind. Before I can open the door I hear the strumming of a guitar, then another joins in. I cock my head and listen to the music that I recognize as the first words are sung.

1_Joy is over there in her incredible clothes_

_She has silver silk shimmering down to her toes_

_I was doing the best that I can I suppose_

_But that little girl dancer_

_Eventually grows_

_Well she grows_

_You can't imagine all the times that I tried_

_To uncover the source of the tears that you cried_

_Let's throw it away and just go for a ride_

_And you'd say okay but you'd keep it inside_

_And I tried_

_I tried_

_I tried_

_I tried_

Tears burn as they fall. I don't have to open the door to know who is on the other side. It's Emmett and Jasper, and if Jasper is here so is Alice. The realization that my very best friend is on the other side of the door makes me cry harder. It's been days since I have seen her. The withdrawals were excruciating and to know that only a few steps away is the person who knows me the best. She has seen me at my lowest point, helped me mourn my first love and losing the one thing that explained the reason for my existence.

The song continues as I lean against the door ignoring the forces that pull at me. I listen to each word sung and know that each one is a plea.

2_We want you to be happy_

_Don't live inside the gloom_

_We want you to be happy_

_Come step outside your room_

_We want you to be happy_

_Cause this is your song too_

I knew that something had to change, I knew that I needed to change. Deciding in this moment that living in the fog that has overtaken my life was not good for me and most likely was not good for the three people who were on the other side of the door.

_[ Lyrics from: . ]_

_When we were young we thought life was a game_

_But then somebody leaves you and your never the same_

_All of the places and people belong to the puzzle_

_But one of the pieces is gone_

_And it's you_

_It's you_

_It's you_

_Joy, it's you_

_We want you to be happy_

_Don't live inside the gloom_

_We want you to be happy_

_Come step outside your room_

_We want you to be happy_

_Cause this is your song too_

_Anytime we'll weather this storm_

_Inside together you'll see the change_

_When the sun shines through_

_We want you to be happy_

_Don't live inside the gloom_

_We want you to be happy_

_Come step outside your room_

_We want you to be happy_

_Cause this is your song too_

As the last chord is played I turn the knob and carefully open the door. Deciding in this moment that I would leave the four walls that have given me temporary comfort.

The three of them stand just outside my door. Emmett and Jasper each holding onto their guitars and Alice standing next to Jasper. They stand together like a small army in anticipation of a great battle. Each on edge unsure of what war was going on inside me.

Waving the white flag of surrender I fall into her arms and allow her to comfort me. I cry.

As the sobs subside I look to my boys. The ones who have protected me, sheltered me, picked me up when I fell down. I decide right here that I can continue to give in to this shit or I can work to overcome. I wonder if they will help me and then I realize that maybe that is the reason they are here.

I have to do this. For me, for them, and most importantly for Peyton.

I looked into my best friend's eyes. Hazel swirls clouded by tears.

"I can't re- remember everything," I sobbed.

Taking my hand in her tiny one she pulled me down the stairs into the living room. I sat on the well worn couch while she picked up the photo album I needed to ease my soul.

"Peyton Elizabeth was born on January 1, our towns New Years Baby. She was perfect with tufts of reddish brown hair and green eyes. The doctors were surprised because newborns usually have blue..."

She spoke softly as she ran her hand across the photos of the most beautiful child I had ever laid my eyes on.

A/N

I want to thank StellaBlueBella, my pre-reader, for all her advice. Thanks also to my lovely beta, Ninmesarra, who has helped me so much and encouraged me to keep going.

Please visit my blog at blackswaninlustfanfiction blog spot. com (remove all the spaces)

Please give me some feedback on the story. Do you like it? hate it? Would you like to see a certain character from the Twilight Saga? Suggestions? Anything? I know it has been read so please take just a second to let me know. Muchas Gracias!

1 Joy by Phish

2 Joy by Phish


	4. Chapter 4

**As always no copyright infringement intended. Stephanie Meyers owns it all, except my story ideas. They are mine and unfortunately will not get me closer to Rob.**

Melancholia

Chapter 4

"Bella, tell me about the time you spent in college?"

Fearing this question since I started the visits to Jennifer Ford, my very own mental health counselor, three weeks ago. I swallowed hard and paused. Mainly, unsure if I was ready to visit the places that most likely ignited my somber existence. I would have to speak words like love, future, and Edward. Then I would also have to speak of the words betrayal, broken, and Edward.

He pushed himself into my life so quickly and it has taken almost ten years to get to the point of wanting to purge him from myself. Throughout the years I was never ready to let him go completely.

As much as I hated him I also continued to love him fiercely. No amount of time would ever make me forget the last moments we spent together.

_Curled up on the flattened down futon I watched him move across the studio apartment in search of a t-shirt._

_His hair was a mess, going in all directions and his eyes still looked sleepy. Wearing only basketball shorts that hung suggestively low on his hips he found what he was looking for on the back of the brown recliner._

_I pulled myself up from the warm cocoon of blankets and slipped my shoes on. It was almost 2 p.m. and Edward had to get to his last class before the weekend. Knowing I could stay here and wait for him I decided to use the time to study for my upcoming exam. _

"_You are not staying?" he asked as he pulled the hoodie over his head. Looking beautiful, all rumpled and sexy from an impromptu nap he took with me. I came straight to him after my morning class wanting to spend some time with him before he left to go home over the weekend for a family obligation._

_I walked up to him and helped him to adjust the hood on the black sweatshirt and tried my best to tame the hairs that stuck up on his head. His arms wrapped around my waist as he tried to pull me in for an embrace._

"_I really need to do some reading and prepare for oral presentation next week. Besides, I am sure you don't want me to be here all alone with nothing to do. I could accidentally find out some secret information you have been hiding from me," I joked, sorta._

"_No secrets. I already told you everything about my boring life. Besides, I love you and there is nothing I would want to keep from you," he said. His nose was buried in my hair as his spoke close to my ear. His breathe warming me from the outside in._

"_I will walk you down to the quad, ok?" he asked as he pulled me toward the door. Following him was easy. I would follow him anywhere._

_As we parted, taking different paths on the concrete his parting words made my heart grow and beat rapidly._

"_I'll miss you, love. I will call you later tonight before I leave for home, ok?"_

_I nodded as I walked backwards from him and blew him a kiss. Thrusting his fist into the air he grasped as if he caught something and stuck his hand into his pocket as if to save my kiss for later._

_Watching him walk away from me I was filled with so much happiness. Too bad it was happiness that was soon to expire._

As the memory faded out in my mind I began to think of anything that would of clued me in to the heartbreak I would face when Edward returned from his weekend home. I know he never called me after class. At the time I shrugged it off thinking that he was busy packing or he was dealing with school work. It was not uncommon for him to get lost in his work and lose track of time. It was one of those things that I loved about him.

Not ready to confess my buried secrets I told Jennifer about my decision to go to college, my major, and moving away from home. I spoke of moving into the dorms, my room mate, and the orientation. I shared with her the fears I faced being away from my parents for the first the time ever.

As the session ended Jennifer asked me to complete a couple exercises during the week and to report back to her if there were any concerns.

Rising from the comfortable leather chair I collected my bag and the appointment card. With a simple smile and wave I left the office and made my way to my truck.

The drive to work was uneventful. Forks was quiet except for a few logging trucks going through town. People were going about their business, in and out of buildings. I saw parents with children and couples occupying the streets. I imagined what my life would be like if things turned out differently. Shaking my head as if to rid myself of the silly thought I concentrated on the drive instead of what was happening around me.

Arriving at McCarty Construction, I parked on the side of the building.

A lumber truck making a delivery into the warehouse caught my attention. Two by fours of pine stacked along one side of the truck bed were held in place by dirty, yellow straps. Trusses were taking up the other side. The fork truck zoomed from the first bay of the building and began to unload smaller materials from the back of the truck.

I waved to Garrett who was operating the truck as I began my walk inside toward the office.

The musky, wet fragrance of the wood was all around me. I felt comforted by it, something about it made me feel grounded.

When I opened the door to the building, Emmett came from his office. Wearing a pair of well worn denim and a simple black t shirt he looked fairly normal. The exception was that he had on his tool belt that was equipped with a hammer, tape measure, and other tools. His Paslode nailer in his hands and his blue hard hat on his head. The nail gun was aimed toward the ceiling as he ran around the office.

As humorous as he was, I simply put my bag down by my desk and powered up my computer. If this is what I walked into then I knew it would be a long day in the office with my boss. Trying my best to not crack a smile I brewed myself a cup of coffee and rifled through the mail on my desk.

"Bella...Bella...Izzybella...Bella..." he sang to me. I knew he was close because I could hear him breathe. In. Out. In. Out. I looked up at him and saw his face. It was serious as he put the air nailer to his temple.

"Seriously lady, if you don't do as I say the dumb jock gets it." he attempted to disguise his voice.

"Help me. Do what ever he wants. Please. I am too young to die," Emmett said in a high pitched voice.

I looked up from the envelopes in my hand and gave him a feeble grin. Reaching over I grabbed the machine from his hand and set it on my desk.

"How much did that thing cost you?" I asked knowing it was new.

"You will see when the invoice comes, but seriously, don't tell Rose. She will kick my ass for sure," he begged.

Shaking my head I sat in my chair and logged onto the computer.

"Anything exciting going on today?"

"Not really. I got a contract yesterday for a new construction. That should really help things around here. Other than that, I just need you to call for a few building permits and send out the Jenning's proposal.

"But first, you need to tell me how you are doing and don't say fine because I know the truth," he said. His eyes expressed concern and chipped away at the walls that were built to protect myself.

I sighed and decided that he deserved my honesty. After all he has done for me I owed it to him. It was just a few weeks ago that he stood outside my bedroom in my parent's home and begged me through a song to try to get better. Alice, Jasper, and Emmett meant everything to me, they were all I had left besides my parents.

"It's getting easier. Every day I am just a bit stronger and willing to fix whatever it is that keeps..." lost for words I just stopped.

"I know Bella. We all see you trying. I just worry. Jasper and Alice too. Even my cold hearted bitch, Rose, asks about you everyday. We all just want you to be better," his voice was quieter telling me that he was in fact worried about me even though he tried make a joke about Rose. We both knew that Rose was not even close to being a bitch, she was one of the sweetest, caring people I ever met.

I appreciated that he cared, I just wished sometimes I cared that much about myself.

"So I have to go over a few thing with you about this new build, but the guys need me in the warehouse to check in the supplies, so can we catch up this afternoon?"

"I will be here until five today, Bossman"

"Great. If you need me I have my cell," he said before he turned to walk out the door. Once it was shut I turned my attention to my work.

I logged into the company's email account and began to go through the inbox. Most of the mail was advertisements, requests for quotes, but there was one name that immediately grabbed my attention.

E. A. Cullen

I placed my mouse on the name and double clicked.

There was no going back now.

A/N I just want to thank my beta, Nimesarra, for all her help and support on this chapter. Also, if it is not too much to ask, can you review? I don't want to beg, but some feedback will be so awesome! Thanks.


	5. Chapter 5

**No intended copyright infringement. It belongs to Stephanie Meyers. I do however own an Edward doll.**

**Sorry I have not updated sooner. This has not been beta'ed so if you find mistakes please try to ignore them as I am far from perfect.**

**Enjoy!**

**From: E. A. Cullen**

**Date: March 3, 2012**

**Subject: Hello!**

**To: **

**Emmett,**

**I am so excited to have the chance to work with you. My son has told me so much about you and I can't wait until we meet in person. I have a feeling we are going to have so much fun with this project.**

**Edward has gone over all the blueprints and time lines with me so I am ready to go. I have a lot of great ideas for his home, as you know I would do anything to make this move and their transition a smooth one. **

**Thank you so much for helping him out. I am sure this relocation to Forks will be what they all need. **

**If you need anything please call me anytime at 360-555-1921.**

**All my best,**

**Esme**

My heart was wildly thumping inside my chest. It was not exactly what I was expecting when I opened the email, but while reading it bile rose to the back of my throat. Quickly trying to contain the urge to vomit I looked for my bottle of water.

Edward has a family? He is moving to Forks? Emmett is helping him out?

These thoughts move through my head, my hand shakes as it sits on top of the mouse. The black arrow jumping on the screen.

Closing out the tab I grabbed the bottle that was hidden behind a stack of folders. It quenches my thirst and possibly calms the storm that is beginning to build inside of me.

Throughout the afternoon I answer the phone and emails, send out invoices, and pay the few bills that are due. Five o'clock comes quickly since I was busy. Most of the day I was able to put him from my mind and distract myself with the menial tasks I am asked to do.

Emmett was in and out all day. Spending most of his time in the warehouse making sure the deliveries were correct and then going to the few sites to check up on the progress made. He amazes me all the time.

He arrives at work around 6 am every day except Sundays, when he actually takes a day off, and never leaves before 5 pm. He manages his time between multiple projects, makes sure his employees are productive and happy, and then he goes home to Rosalie.

I smile thinking about Rosalie.

There were not enough words to accurately describe her. She is beautiful. Tall, slender with curves where they should be, and beautiful long hair. Always dressed fashionably and never made you feel awkward because you had no idea what the latest fashion was. That was just the outside.

She was beyond beautiful on the inside. Rosalie is kind, generous, and loving. She has a way with words. Spoken and written. Every year on my birthday she would give me a handmade card with words she written herself. There has not been a year that she has not reduced me to tears with her prose.

She is not entirely perfect though, she swears like a trucker and her cooking skills were awful, but those things did not matter because she was Rose.

Working from home, Rose was a blogger. She spent her days writing advice columns that made her dual degree in Psychology and Social Work pay off. It was ideal since Emmett spent so much time at the office and on the job sites. When she wasn't working she also volunteered at the local hospital as a patient liaison, helping families facing unfortunate circumstances.

Emmett and Rosalie were the perfect couple. Nobody could ignore how they complimented each other so well. Where he was big, she was small. He was loud, she was quiet and the list continues.

When my life became a mess after losing my baby, it was Rose who helped me come to terms with the loss. She too experienced a similar situation although her situation happened while she was in college. Everyone was supportive of me during the aftermath, but Rose just understood that there were no words, actions, gifts that would ever lessen the pain.

As I finish closing the office, I am startled when the door slams shut.

"Bella, do you have a minute?" the voice broke through the quiet. I peeked my head out of the doorway and saw Garrett. He was as tall as Emmett, but much leaner. Handsome was a good word to describe his looks. He was rugged, rough, and often unshaven. His hair poked out from under his beanie and his hands were in the kangaroo pocket of his navy Carhartt hoodie. The denim he wore was covered in plaster and other various stains. It was obvious he was done for the day because his work boots were untied and loose around his ankles most likely letting his tired feet breathe.

"Hey Garrett. Yeah I do. What can I do for you?" I asked as he walked over toward my desk.

A mischievous smirk filled his face as he processed my question. He was a flirt and I enjoyed the banter we had. Never inappropriate, but sometimes I wondered if he was serious or just joking because it felt weird sometimes.

"Marry me?" he asked as he fiddled with a snow globe on the edge of my desk his eyes were cast down. He peeked from under his lashes to see my reaction. His eyes were so blue, they reminded me of the waters at First Beach. With reddened cheeks he stood there looking at me.

"You know as much as I would love to be your wife I have to decline. Emmett would never allow me to marry one of his men, ya' know," I replied with as much confidence as I could seeing that Emmett never had rules about co-workers dating. I was the only girl around the office besides the occasional visit from Rose.

"He would probably save on health benefits and then spend that money on new equipment. You know as well as I do that Emmett loves to find ways to cut cost," Garrett said as he inched closer to where I was standing.

"Hmmm...I think you might be right," I laughed and he joined me.

"Really, what can I help you with besides the marrying?" I asked.

It was a strange feeling because under any other circumstances I would shy away from any talk of marriage, family, and anything really. Those things reminded me someone and right now just the thought of him being somewhere in the general vicinity of my hometown left me on edge and mad as hell.

"There was a problem today on one of the sites with an initial inspection. The customer was a complete douche bag so I wanted to give the boss a heads up. I am sure he will be down here first thing in the morning. I tried to explain to him that these things happen and it was not a big deal, but he was not having any of it."

Garrett pulled a sheet of paper from his back pocket and unfolded it as he set it on the desk. It was the framing inspection checklist. I read through the print noting that there were no major issues, a few of the pre-fabricated trusses had been damaged by the rain and needed to be replaced. The inspector also noted a issue with drainage around the foundation.

I scanned over the paper to see which job site this was, but there were no names. Just an address, Bear Creek Road.

"Garrett, what job is this for?" I asked.

"It's for the new home construction over in Anton Creek Estates. I am telling you that this job is going to be a big pain in our asses. This guy was at the site all day walking around driving us nuts. Pulled in first thing this morning with his new Volvo or something with his cell phone hanging off his ear. Spent most of the day yelling into it."

Garrett was not one to usually complain about anything so I am sure this guy was as bad as he explained.

"Do you know his name?" I asked wondering if there was something I could do before the shit storm hit Emmett first thing in the morning.

"Uh..ummm...he didn't give us a first name although I heard one of the guys call him by his last name. It was different...Carlson..no that was not it. Cullen, yeah he called him Cullen," Garrett remembered.

I picked up the phone on the desk and hit the first pre-programmed number. As soon as the phone picked up on the other end I yelled.

"Emmett, I swear to god, if you are building for Edward Cullen I am so going to fucking kill you!"


	6. Chapter 6

**No intended copyright infringement. It belongs to Stephanie Meyers. I do however own an Edward doll.**

**Sorry I have not updated sooner. This has not been beta'ed so if you find mistakes please try to ignore them as I am far from perfect.**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 6

If I only felt betrayed by Emmett's confession then I was kidding myself. It scared me think that other emotions were possible. My pulse quickened and the heat that suddenly spread from my chest, not in anger, but something else entirely.

I closed up the office quickly, wanting nothing more that to go home. Garrett stood confused, but said goodbye with a wave. He seemed reluctant as he drove away.

Driving along the roads I found myself traveling in the opposite direction of home and towards the vicinity of Anton Creek Estates.

Music filled the cab of my truck as I drove along the roads that pulled me closer to what I hoped was Bear Creek Road. The song should've of been calming me, but it was ear piercing and annoying instead. With a turn of my wrist the radio silenced.

The housing development came into view beyond the trees that were rooted along the winding road. I softly pressed on the brakes to slow my speed and possibly giving myself time to change my mind about being here.

The sun was falling lower in the sky and for once it was actually a decent day. No rain and few clouds. I lowered my visor as I came around a bend to block the bright rays from blinding my eyes.

The paved road ended as the sound of crushed stone vibrated my truck. I continued to travel down this makeshift road until a sign came into view.

"Another home built by McCarty Construction" was positioned on the side of the road. In the distance I saw the framing of a home. Construction vehicles sat alongside a small trailer not far from the site. I turned into the stone driveway and continued to drive until a car came into view.

Hesitating for a moment I parked behind the unfamiliar vehicle and silenced my truck. With the engine no longer running the cab was quiet. There was no rain, no wind just the steady sound of my breathing.

Deciding to get out of the truck I looked around the property. Looking for the owner of the car or something else. The stone crunched as I stepped out, with each step I took the crushing of rock surrounded me. I was sure if there was anyone around they would know of my presence, but there was nothing.

At the edge of the crushed rock was a plywood sidewalk that led to the unfinished home. Carefully, stepping onto the first sheet I navigated around the clumps of mud that littered each piece.

I followed the path until it brought me to the foundation, I climbed up the wooden ramp and stood amongst the framing. Glancing around I was able to determine the basic layout of the home. In my mind I saw the home as finished. It was beautiful with large windows and hardwood floors. Bookcases lining the walls filled with all my favorite titles.

As I walked between each 2x4 I saw colorful walls with family photos scattered around. There was furniture that screamed to be sat in, so warm and comfortable. The hardwood trim accented each room and there was a fireplace that was positioned on the far wall. I saw each cobblestone that made the hearth and mantle.

My mind wandered to the fire that blazed, it warmed the air around me. My heart began to pump wildly as I imagined a scene from one of my lost daydreams.

The faceless man I made up in my head would gently embraced me from behind. His warm breath would tickle my skin as he whispered words of love for only me. His hands would travel along my body caressing...

"Why are you here?" a voice demanded and ripped me from wandering mind.

I spun around and looked up to the face of the man who betrayed me, but more than that he also was the man that I had loved or still loved. Either way it didn't matter.

His eyes were still a vibrant green, but they looked different. Creases in the corners that branched outward as he slightly squinted while his brow shifted upward and made creases of its own.

Taller than I remembered him being he towered over me in an intimidating stance. A black knit cap covered his head and hid the unruly mop I remembered he had.

He was dressed casually in jeans and a heavy weight hoodie. Tan deerskin gloves covered his hands and a simple pair of workboots of the same color on his feet.

Obviously impatient he repeated himself. His tone was sharp and straight to the point. I was scared. Frightened of what I would say and frightened of what I would not say.

_Fight or Flight. Fight or Flight. Fight or Flight. _

The words repeated over and over in my mind. Deciding to go with the latter, I pushed past him. I stumbled through the first couple steps and collided into him. Embarrassed, I moved out of the way and kept walking.

One step , two steps, three steps...

"Bella. Wait. Don't go," the stern voice from before had softened mixed with some emotion, of what I couldn't place. The way my name fell from his lips brought back memories I wish I could erase forever.

My traitorous body stopped even though my mind screamed to run. I couldn't do this. I wouldn't do this. As much as I wanted to confront him about what happened between us I knew that it did not matter. The words he spoke that day in the quad. The day my heart stopped beating.

_I was running late as usual for my Monday afternoon class. Edward still hadn't called so I decided to head over to his dorm on my way to the English building. _

_Worried that something may have happened to him as I walked through the enterance to the building I passed Riley who lived across the hall. Riley seemed like a good guy. He was always smiling and telling jokes. _

"_Hey Bella, on your way to see Eddie?" he joked using the name Edward loathed._

"_Hi Riley. Actually I am. Have you seen him around?" I asked._

_Riley smiled and pointed outside. _

"_Just saw him leave a few minutes ago with James and Austin. Probably on their way to lab?" he shrugged. I was not sure who James and Austin were, but then again I hadn't met any of his friends yet. All the time we spent was alone, together in his dorm._

_I thanked him and headed out the doors. Glancing at my phone I knew I only had a few more minutes before I had to get to class._

_I rounded the dormitory and saw him. Instant relief fell over me like a blanket knowing he was safe. My pace quickened until I was standing behind him. I said his name and he spun around._

"_I have been so worried about you," I said. I moved my body toward his and he jerked his away._

"_What are you doing?" he asked me. He was cold, almost mean._

_Completely stunned I just looked at him making sure that I had not mistaken him for someone else. Green eyes, strong jaw, beautiful skin, locks of brown and bronze. It was him. I looked at him hoping that his body language would offer me some insight on his behavior._

"_Edward is something wrong?" I asked almost afraid of his answer._

"_What do you want?" he asked. His friends behind him began laughing, making jokes about stage five clingers and shit like that._

"_I was worried when you didn't call me," I said. _

"_Why would I call you?" The softness of his features that was burned into my memory were nowhere to be found. His eyes were dark, no longer sparkled. _

"_Ummm...because you're my boyfriend and you said you would call me over the weekend," I answered him. I was kinda waiting for the punchline. I glanced down on my phone to check the date. Is it April 1st? What the fuck is going on? _

"_Your boyfriend? Did we hook up last weekend at Newton's? Honestly little one, I have no idea what you are talking about. Oh wait!" he paused for a moment. The two guys standing on each side of him were laughing. Mocking me. _

"_You are in my English Lit class aren't you? Did we have a study group together because I am pretty sure that I would never just fuck someone like you," his words were sharp. _

_One of the guys started to say something about getting my number so we could hook up later, but was quickly silenced by a glare Edward gave him._

"_Edward, what is going on?" I whispered. Tears began to fill my eyes. My body was tense._

_I am not really sure if I said anything else, but I started to walk backwards from him. My eyes were focused on his. I dropped my backpack as I tried to keep from the sobs from taking over my body._

_There was a hand that touched my upper arm and I pulled away._

"_Bella, are you alright?" a voice broke through the wall that was trying to keep the emotions from escaping._

_Kneeling down I grabbed my back and turned to look at the person who was standing with me. I looked into the face of a girl. Unable to even speak, my friend grabbed my hand and pulled me down the concrete walk._

"_Bella, I saw what happened. I am taking you back to your room, alright?"_

_I nodded my head and continued to look forward._

"_Kathryn, what just happened?" I asked my friend as we walked together. _

_She shrugged her shoulders and pulled me along weaving in between the people who were walking around us._

"_Why does it hurt so bad?" I asked her._

_Kathryn's eyes were downcast, taking a breath she shook her head._

My mind quickly caught up and brought me back to this moment in which I had this opportunity to finally say all the things I have kept inside.

Hesitating slightly, I turned back toward the man who stood only a few feet away from me. This man, the same man whom I gave my heart to, had no idea the destruction he left behind.

My body tightened up as I rolled my shoulders back to stand up straighter. Hands clenched at my sides I made a decision.

"It took me three days to get out of bed. After that it was only two days until I began drinking to numb the pain. Liquor was never enough though, so I smoked some pot until I found that bumping a few lines was so much better. Thirty-two days after you left I was kicked out of school. On day thirty-six I overdosed and was sent to the hospital only to wake up to the news that I was pregnant, so how fucking dare you ask me for anything"

Edward looked at me, he started to open his mouth to speak.

"Don't you say a fucking word to me. You were right. I didn't know you then and certainly don't fucking want to know you now. It was a mistake to come out here. I just wanted to..."

The words stopped coming out, frustrated I screamed. The echo of my voice rang through the trees that surrounded us.

His arms started to move toward me, but I backed away. Remembering my mantra before I decided that it was time to stop running. Now was the time to fight.

I balled my fist and made sure to keep my thumb out. Pulling back I put everything I had into it as I swung toward his face.

The crack, the immense pain, then blackness took ahold of me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Everything Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyers. I own nothing except the angst-ridden plot that symbolized some of the pain I have felt in my life. I do not intend on making it big off Ms. Meyers epic saga, I figured my career in retail management will make me famous and rich. LOL. Yeah, right?**

**A/N**

**I want to thank a few people that have encouraged me to write this fic. Princess and Boomer, thank you for your support and love. To StellaBellaBlue and Nimessara wherever you are, Thanks for helping me get started. **

**To the following supporters, helenemc, Kgunter34, chanahope, mcrfan78, MyDogSirius, Nikkipooh522, bonz245, chloe39, creampuf99, dexronon13, Dorri, gabita10, LeelaCullen, Meredith82, Viktualia, wanttoreadonly, Wen0201, Willstora20, I have seen your alerts, favorites, and reviews. You will never understand how much I appreciate those simple gestures.**

**To Content1, if I told you that I squealed like a fangirl when I saw your review would you believe me? You should, although I would more accurately labeled as an fanoldfeckin'lady. I have enjoyed Sins of My Past sooo much and to have you read my little story is amazing. If the rest of you have not read Sins of My Past yet, then you are missing out of one the best out there, the fact is has over 5K reviews is proof enough.**

**Lastly, I do not have a pre-reader or a beta. I did originally use SRP and the two I was granted vanished. So all mistakes are mine and for that I apologize. I chose not to try another beta service because if I am abandoned again it may leave long lasting scars on my psyche, therefore making my character suffer and believe me when I say they are going to suffer enough through this one.**

**Thank you.**

**Chapter 7**

**Chapter Flashback...**

"_Don't you say a fucking word to me. You were right. I didn't know you then and certainly don't fucking want to know you now. It was a mistake to come out here. I just wanted to..."_

_The words stopped coming out, frustrated I screamed. The echo of my voice rang through the trees that surrounded us._

_His arms started to move toward me, but I backed away. Remembering my mantra before I decided that it was time to stop running. Now was the time to fight._

_I balled my fist and made sure to keep my thumb out. Pulling back I put everything I had into it as I swung toward his face._

_The crack, the immense pain, then blackness took ahold of me._

There is a place between conscious and unconscious that I desire to permanently reside in. It is here that I believe life really exists. The mental and physical pain is less intense. Happiness can arrive in the blink of an eye. There is no loss, no depression, and no expectations. It is just me in a world that I control. I float, I fly, and I live.

So when I feel myself being pulled away by the voice that has complicated my life and shattered my soul I open my eyes furious for the interruption. Brown meets green, girl sees boy, all bets are off. I throw my proverbial boxing gloves on the ground and place my feet onto the solid ground.

My right hand throbs in unison with the back of my head. Moving my left hand through my hair I find the spot that obviously broke my fall. I bring my fingers back to find some blood on the tips, wiping them on my jeans I turn my attention to the man before me.

His cheek is red, possibly swollen and I look again at my hand noticing similar redness. Smiling internally I am a bit happy to know that he feels pain because of me.

"Let me see how bad it is," he reaches out to touch the back of my head. I take a step backward to keep him from coming closer to me. Leaving enough room for an escape route.

"Don't," I say in an attempt to warn him. To keep him away. I have worked so hard to forget what his touch felt like, knowing I could throw all I have worked so hard for away.

"Bella, just let me see that you are ok," he asks. His words seem sincere, but I am cautious. I really want to just get up and walk away. From him. From Forks. From everything.

The slam of a car door breaks the momentary silence and forces us to acknowledge something other than him or me or the fuckery that has been haunting me for so long.

When I see the truck I know that it is Garrett. He is still dressed in his work clothes, faded denim with a sweatshirt zipped up. His boots are unlaced with the tongue folded down, a common practice the guys have after they finish the workday. As he walks across the gravel towards me I see that he looks concerned or maybe confused about my presence.

"Hey Bells, what are you doing out here?" he asks. His hair is messy and there is some dirt on his cheek. Although he is dirty it is obvious he is a very attractive man.

"Just checking up on some things for Emmett. What's up?" I say turning my attention to him and ignoring the man behind me.

Garrett glances around me and greets Edward with a nod of his head. No words were exchanged between the two and it is now that I remember that Garrett doesn't really care for him.

"I usually leave my tool box here, but I decided to get a start on the house tonight since I closed on it this morning. A few of the guys were coming over after dinner to help with some of the demolition," he answers. His grey eyes look into mine as if he is trying to pull my thoughts from my head.

"Bella is something going on here?" Garrett asks obviously sensing the tension. He looks at Edward and back to me. Waiting for something to be said.

"Miss Swan was just leaving. I had asked her to meet me out here to finalize some plans on the house," Edward interrupts. His tone cold and abrupt.

"Thank you Miss Swan. Have a nice evening," he says as he walks back toward his vehicle and drives away.

Garrett walks over to a small storage trailer and retrieves his tool box. I wait for a moment and I start to walk back towards my truck attempting to keep him from asking any questions. I just want to go home, ice my hand, and crawl into my bed.

"Bella, I hope you understand that it isn't your job to meet a client out here. Emmett would never expect you to meet any client out here especially alone at night. It is really dangerous," he says as he places the metal box into truck bed. Garrett walked over to me and opened my truck door.

I continued to lean against my own truck and look at the man in front of me. What I would give to be able to find someone like him. I wish I met him years ago and things would be so different. Garrett is handsome in a rough around the edges way. His body is athletic and muscular in all the right places. He is not as big as Emmett, but he is not a small man by any means. He works hard and makes time for his friends. Garrett would give you the shirt off his back if you asked and he treats everyone with kindness.

I once overheard him talking to one of the guys in the shop and I will never forget some of the things he said. He talked about wanting to find the right woman, settling down, and having a family of his own. That finding that someone special was a gift to never be taken for granted. But more than anything he wanted children, a family to love and provide for.

When I heard that tears fell from my eyes. I quickly wiped them away remembering Edward told me he wanted similar things.

Climbing into my truck he watched as I pulled the seat belt across my body then shut the door. I cranked the handle on the door and my window rolled down.

"Thanks Garrett for everything," I said and turned the key to start my truck.

"Anything for you. Good night and drive safe," he tells me. He backs away from my truck and watches as I pull away.

I can see him in the rearview mirror. As he walks to his truck the sky opens up and rain pours down. He stops, looks up to the sky and lets the raindrops wash over his face. I smile with a warm feeling that begins to flow through my body. Its foreign. I press on the brakes and put it into park, the engine still running.

Before I am aware of anything I get out of truck and I see that he is coming to me. The rain is cold as it falls and it feels refreshing. I think about what they say about rain or water. It's a baptism, a re-birth.

We stop just inches away from each other. His grey eyes are darker and tiny drops are sitting on his lashes. I look at him, really look at him and brush my fingers across his face. He is warm and I almost expect to see steam come from his skin. The next thing I know I am wrapped into his arms, his lips brush against mine. I sigh and give in as my arms wrap around his body. I don't think. My mind is clear as I give into his kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Everything Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyers. I own nothing except the angst-ridden plot that symbolized some of the pain I have felt in my life. I do not intend on making it big off Ms. Meyers epic saga, I figured my career in retail management will make me famous and rich. LOL. Yeah, right?**

_We stop just inches away from each other. His grey eyes are darker and tiny drops are sitting on his lashes. I look at him, really look at him and brush my fingers across his face. He is warm and I almost expect to see steam come from his skin. The next thing I know I am wrapped into his arms, his lips brush against mine. I sigh and give in as my arms wrap around his body. I don't think. My mind is clear as I give into his kiss._

In another world or time this kiss would of changed everything, but now it doesn't even come close to stopping the thoughts I have of Edward. With Garrett's arms wrapped around me I feel safe and that is all. Comfort. Protection. There is no passion, no fire. It is just a kiss.

I pull away and put some space between our bodies.

"Garrett," I sigh. Hoping he understands what I am about to say.

"I am sorry, this feeling just came over me and I had to kiss you," he says as the rain continues to fall down on us. I am neither bothered by the water that is soaking through my jacket or the cold that causes me to begin shivering uncontrollably.

Strands of hair are stuck to my cheeks. His hands have moved upward to my shoulders while mine are hanging at my sides. Unsure of how to even communicate what I am feeling I look down at my feet that beginning to get wet. The cold rain has covered the tops of my canvas sneakers and around me small pools of rainwater are forming on the ground. So little rain, but surely it is enough to drown in. They say that you only need a inch, right?

"Garrett," I say as I look back up to his face. He is still and waiting for my words almost as if he knows what I am about to say.

"I can't do this to you. You are such a great guy and friend..."

"Yeah, I get it Bella you don't have to say it," his tone is cold like the rain, almost indifferent. He guides me towards my truck that is still running, the door is still open so he wipes the well worn seat off with the sleeve of his sweatshirt and motions me to climb in.

He grabs the seat belt and pulls it across my body. Hearing it click into place I know I need to say something to him so he understands.

"I am broken, beyond broken. He broke me and it was a very long time ago. I came out here because I needed to see if it was real, if he was really here in Forks. I didn't expect he would be at the site and when he approached me I lost control, said things to him I have wanted to say for so long and I hit him. I punched him with everything I had," I pulled my hand up and showed him my knuckles that were swollen and red.

Garrett carefully brushed his fingers across my knuckles. The pads of his fingers carefully followed along each peak and valley of the joints. It was a comforting gesture, but it held none of the passion I craved.

"You should get some ice on that it looks like it really hurts," he said as he looked over the damage. I shrugged not knowing what to say. It hurt, but it was just physical pain.

"My hand feels fine compared to the rest of me. I am glad you came when you did because I...I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hit him again. I wanted to pull him into my arms. I wanted to tell him about Peyton..." I began to sob as soon as her name passed through my lips.

Garrett stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me. His mouth close to my ear. I heard him whisper apologies and it made me angry. It wasn't Garrett's fault she suffered, that I lost her, that I am a fucking mess.

Peyton was not a secret around town, in fact everyone knew the tragedy that struck the police chief's family, although no one ever spoke a word to me about my precious girl. I assumed it was out of respect or maybe fear. I know that I scared people the day of the funeral and for good reason. Temporary insanity I claimed, although some days the insanity feels more permanent.

"Bella, I am sorry. I shouldn't have pushed myself on you like that. I just see you every day and you look so sad and I want a chance to make you happy. I know I could make you happy if you would just let me," he continued to hold me for a few moments and then slowly pulled away.

"We can just pretend that this never happened if you want. Everything can go back to normal. Please will you do that for me?" he asked.

I nodded my head and then he brushed his lips against my temple and shut the truck door. Tapping twice on the cab I knew it was time for me to leave. I watched him get into his own truck and as we approached the highway I turned toward town and he went the opposite way.

Moving in the other direction I couldn't help to think about if things had been different would I be happy. Could I find happiness and allow it to heal me? I didn't have the answers and even with the weeks of therapy I had completed I was sure that the answers were hidden behind the walls I had built.

The following day I stayed in the office completing a list Emmett left for me to work on. I spent most of the morning taking care of invoices and filing, then ate my lunch at my desk. The office was quiet the entire day with most of the crew working at various construction sites.

Emmett had created a construction empire in our tiny town. He subcontracted many jobs from the smaller businesses in town and employed a crew of 15 guys, all from Forks and the surrounding towns.

His success was mainly attributed to his fair business practices, honesty, and delivering quality builds. He also made sure his customers were happy with his work long after the final nail was delivered or coat of paint dried.

Another reason why Emmett was popular was his support in many of the local charities. He volunteered himself and some of the crew to help the elderly with the upkeep of their homes or to help convert a home to be handicap accessible. McCarty Construction always participated in the areas Habitat for Humanity projects, but there was not a charity that was more important to him than Peyton's Journey. A small not-for-profit organization that was founded by myself and Rose to help educate parents and child care providers on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS. We also help families that are dealing with the loss by providing names of grief therapists and support groups. The organization was my main focus when I was able to concentrate long enough, although Rose spent much of her time working on our website and dealing with multiple requests when I was unavailable, which has been a lot since Edward showed up in town.

As the afternoon dragged on and I found myself cleaning up Emmett's office. Normally Rose came in once a week to take care of it, but I was going crazy sitting at my desk so I decided to take on the task for myself. Hoping the process of cleaning would be therapeutic and soothe my nerves. Yesterday was a fuck up of epic proportions, the confrontation with Edward and the kiss with Garrett. I was still rattled by all the emotions I felt. Like I had said, my hand was fine compared to thoughts that keep me on edge.

Emmett's desk was a complete disaster zone. Empty coffee cups, protein bar wrappers, newspapers, magazines, and paper covered the surface. Tossing away the trash and arranging the papers in a neat stack I came across several sample invitations.

They were all for the upcoming charity event for Peyton's organization. Beautifully decorated cards. Each one was different themed. There was a black and white ball, carnival theme, and the all too common casino night. It was the last one caught my attention.

At first it seemed unusual, but as I began to think about the idea I began to picture the large reclaimed wood barn Emmett had built on his property. I saw the twinkle lights that were hanging from the rafters, the hay bales positioned in the corners of the barn, and tables set up with fried chicken and salads. We could have a live band and a dance floor. The huge fire pit that was positioned behind the barn could be set up for toasting marshmallows or just relax by the open flame. Maybe Jasper will bring his guitar and sing some of his songs.

My mind was racing as I felt excited. Excited for having a huge party in Peyton's memory while raising money for the organization and maybe I was also excited to have actually had an idea related to this event that did not bring me to my knees in sadness and grief.


	9. Chapter 9

**Mandatory Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine. Blah, Blah, Blah. It belongs to Stephanie Meyer. Blah, Blah, Blah. I do not intend any copyright infringements. Blah, Blah, Blah.**

**So, I wanted to get this out to you guys since I have been so bad about posting. This is a EPOV from the past. It will begin to give you some insight. I will be working on a present POV from him as well and that will post next week since I will be on vacation from work, because vacation from home never happens. :-(**

**I love the feedback so keep it coming. Thanks so much for reading**. **Remember these are all my mistakes and errors, so be gentle.**

Chapter 9

Part 1

EPOV

"_A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it's up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again." _

― _C. JoyBell C._

The Past

I love the way being home feels. There is no place that I feel more safe or loved than when I am in the house I grew up in. I think I am lucky. My parents have been married for more than 20 years. I am not sure the exact number, but I know that it is one more than my age.

They are "in love with each other, an all consuming bubble of butterflies and heart flutters" my mom once told me when I experienced my first break up with Jessica Stanley during my senior year of high school. Jessica and I had been dating for two and half years. At the time I was convinced that I was in love with her and when she broke up with me for Mike Newton, I was devastated. Looking back I know she was my first love, but Jessica Stanely was not my true love. That title belonged to the brown eyed beauty who stole my heart just a few months ago, Bella Swan.

I walk through the back door that leads to the kitchen. Seeing the plate of cookies that always is on the counter when I am expected to come home for the weekend I smile and snag two. One in my mouth and the other in my hand. My duffle bag full of dirty clothes has been tossed and forgotten on the floor near the laundry room door.

Following my way through the kitchen I begin to hear voices from the formal living room. It sounds like my parents have company and although it is not unheard of it still is strange because they were expecting me this weekend.

With my mouth stuffed with the second cookie I peek my head into the entryway.

Sitting on the couch was Ashley Dowling in between her parents, Camille and Richard Dowling, long time friends of my parents. Mom and Dad were seated in the pair of chairs across from them. The topic of conversation must of been tense because no one had heard me enter the house or walk into the room.

"Edward, you're home already," my mother said glancing at her watch. The Dowlings shifted nervously on the couch. I looked at Ashley and it was obvious she had been crying. Her eyes red rimmed and swollen, a tissue was in her hand that was placed in her lap.

"I can't believe you didn't hear me come in. My laundry bag must weigh 50 pounds," I said with a chuckle.

My father stood up and motioned for me to sit in the chair he had been in.

"Sit down Edward. Ashley has something she needs to tell you," his voice sounded different, strained and not as light as it usually was when I came home to visit.

I listened to my father and sat down in the chair feeling like a kid waiting to go into the principal's office for doing something bad. I looked to my mother, her eyes were windows and I saw a storm coming. She reached over and patted my knee.

"What is going on here?" my voice nervous. My mind raced trying to explain what was going on.

Ashley didn't look any better. Shifting nervously between her parents she finally stood up.

Her oversized shirt fell against her body in a way that accentuated the small bump that protruded from her midsection.

"Edward. I am pregnant and it's your baby," she whispered just loud enough for me to hear her. My heart began to beat manically and my head became woozy.

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. My baby. Mine. How? How? I know how you get pregnant, but how is she pregnant and why is she telling me.

Shit. Fucking Shit. Spring Break. Motherfucker. Shit. FUCK. FUCK.

I tried to form words but my mouth was not working. My jaw was slack, hung and I was sure that I possibly suffered a stroke the moment those words fell from her lips.

"No. No. No," I muttered to myself.

Ashley and I "hooked up" a few times after Jessica. We always kept it casual both not wanting the seriousness of a relationship. It was by accident that I ran into her at the airport in Cancun. I am guessing that was not the only accident that happened that week.

We had just got off the flight and decided to get a celebratory drink at the airport before boarding the van that would take us to our hotel for a week of partying and sun. I was pulling my wallet out from my back pocket when I bumped into someone. When I looked up it was Ashley. Immediately pulling her in for a hug I was surprised to see her since it had been a while since she went off to the East Coast for school.

We exchanged phone numbers and promised to meet up sometime during the week. We did. Many times. In my room. Her room. In a hammock on the beach. In the ocean. Oh yeah, also in a nasty bathroom in a club downtown.

Ashley walked over to me and kneeled in between my legs. Her eyes captured mine and she nodded her head.

"I am sorry. I am so sorry. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't keep the baby. I know how you feel about relationships and I know you are not ready for a family, but neither am I. This happened and I need you to be there for us," she said. In that moment she seemed so grown up trying to comfort me while trying to convince me that this was real. We were going to be parents.

I pulled her into my arms and cried. When I finally calmed down I also noticed she was crying, but our grips on each other had not lessened. We clung to each other as if our life depended on it and maybe it did.

When I pulled myself from her arms the first thought I had was of Bella, my angel back at the dorms and how she was expecting me to call any minute now. I looked around and saw both of our parents watching us. I couldn't excuse myself from this conversation to call her. I would have to try her later, but then I realized that I would have to tell her what happened.

My father was the first to speak, "Edward, I think it is time we all sit down and discuss a few things."

I nodded, stood up and followed our families into the dining room where we began to talk about everything that was expected of Ashely and I. The first item on the "agenda" was our parents expectation of marriage.


	10. Chapter 10 EPOV

**Stephanie Meyers is the owner of all things Twilight. I just like to take the characters, change their personalities and manipulate them into heart wrenching situations that may or may not have actually happened in my life. **

**Just so we are clear I intend to make no serious bank off these words.**

**All mistakes are mine. Just like that time I accidently knocked over the Calphon display at Macy's.**

**I am loving the reviews and alerts. Thank you so much for supporting me. I love the feedback. You all are the best! Here are 2000 words from Edward. He is not going to talk again for a while so I hope you like it.**

Chapter 9

Part 2

EPOV

The Present

The parcel of land was a perfect site for my new home. My home. I should be calling it our home, but even after all these years I still find it hard to blend what is mine and what is hers into ours. I suppose that may have to do with the reality of our relationship. I love Ashley, or Ash as I normally call her, but being in love with her is something that is not going to happen. My heart still belongs to someone else. I know this and she does too.

The trees sway as cold winds blow through their branches and I can't help to compare it to my life so far. The cold, cold wind that came along to freeze the burning passion that I had finally found with my angel, Bella. It was hard to keep those memories of her buried down, it was even harder when I found out that she lived in the small logging town that I or we had decided to make our new home.

Ash wanted to move from the city. She wanted to get from under our parent's watching eyes. I just wanted to go anywhere and nowhere at the same time. When she mentioned this little town, Forks, not far from Seattle it sounded perfect. Perfect place to raise our daughter, Libby, and far enough away to keep our parents out of our daily lives, I hope.

Walking back to the foundation of the house trying to rid my thoughts of what should have been and attempt to focus on what is. The truth was that I fucked it up so long ago. Although I never believed that my precious daughter was a mistake I do believe that my life would be so different today if Ash never got pregnant. I was forced to take responsibility for my actions not that I would of not done the right thing by her, but I do know that the path we were forced to take would not have been the path I chosen on my own. I would of gone back to school and to Bella. I would of told her everything. I had faith in what we had together and even though it would have been difficult I am certain we could have made it work, but I was a coward. Afraid to stand up to my parents, her parents, and be the adult I needed to be.

Instead of calling Bella I placed my grandmother's diamond on Ash's finger hours before driving back to campus. I made promised to both our parents to finish out the semester, graduate, and come back to marry Ash before our child was born.

I did it too, but along the way I lost the one person I wanted more than anything and how I did it was disgusting and depraved. She didn't deserve what I did, but I couldn't think of any other way except to ignore her, deny her, and then go back to my dorm and cry my eyes out. It was all my fault. I fucked up and Bella paid the price.

Ignoring her existence did not keep the gossip from me. I heard about the parties where she tried to drink the frat boys into a coma. The night when she danced drunk on the table in a local bar. It was a few days after the incident in the quad when Kathryn, a friend of Bella's, came up to me as I was walking to my dorm.

"Did it make you feel good treating Bella like that in front of your friends?" her words cut right to the chase and the mention of her name stopped me in my tracks.

Turning around to see Kathryn standing there, her backpack hanging off her right shoulder. I was tired from not sleeping, images of Bella haunted my mind. She gave me no time to answer her question before she spoke again.

"Do you know that this is the first time I have been able to go to class since that bullshit you pulled the other day? Inconsolable is an understatement here," she told me.

Not sure of what to say or what to do I stood there until the sound of my phone broke the silence. Pulling it from my pocket I saw that it was Ashley calling me. I was suppose to be coming home this weekend.

"Kathryn I get it. I do. You're her buddy, but I can't do this right now. Just do me a favor and take care of her please," I said before turning around and walking away. I had to put as much space between her and myself before I did something stupid. Something that would make me happy and right now I didn't deserve to think about myself since I put myself in this situation. I wanted to run to Bella and not feeling like I could do that was the hardest thing for me to face.

Walking through the property I saw her as I approached the foundation. She was standing facing away from me. Her brown hair was down and was blowing with the wind. I imagined that she was here with me seeing the start of our new home, the one I build with her, like our life. I can remember the night we stayed up late into the night talking about home we wanted. The conversation was strange for two college kids, but we always talked about our future, our hope, our dreams.

"What are you doing here?" the words came out of my mouth before I had a chance to think. I wanted her to tell me she was here for me. She turned toward me obviously startled by my voice. Her face was pale, the dark circles that I had never seen on her before told a story that I didn't want to know. I repeated myself unsure if she heard me the first time.

Pushing past me she hurried in the direction where she had parked her truck.

"Bella. Wait. Don't go," I yelled to her. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her everything. Starting with the first time I saw her up to the night where everything changed.

I wanted to confess my love for her that never stopped and how I fight everyday to be the person I was forced to become.

She stopped and faced me.

"It took me three days to get out of bed. After that it was only two days until I began drinking to numb the pain. Liquor was never enough though, so I smoked some pot until I found that bumping a few lines was so much better. Thirty-two days after you left I was kicked out of school. On day thirty-six I overdosed and was sent to the hospital only to wake up to the news that I was pregnant, so how fucking dare you ask me for anything," she said to me. I knew that what I did broke her, but pregnant. Anger ran through me at the thought of another man touching her so intimately.

I opened my mouth to speak, but she quickly shut me down.

"Don't you say a fucking word to me. You were right. I didn't know you then and certainly don't fucking want to know you now. It was a mistake to come out here. I just wanted to..."

Unable to control myself I moved to her, I needed to hold her and to know what happened. I never expected for her fist to make contact with my eye.

I tried to help her from the ground, concerned that she was hurt when one of the construction workers showed up. Obviously he knew her and immediately began to comfort her. I needed to get away. For years I imagined that she met someone, but to see another man touch her was painful.

I got into my car and sped back to the room I rented at a motel. Once I was in my room I pulled my phone from my pocket and saw that I had some text messages waiting for me from Ash. Wasting no time I decided to call her. Her voice was the medicine I needed to ease the hurt in my chest.

"I have been waiting to hear your voice all day," she cooed into the phone.

"You have?," I responded. My face couldn't help but morph into a smile. I imagined she was sitting on the couch in the condo. Her feet tucked under her body as she talked to me on the phone. Libby was most likely on the computer in her room or texting one of her friends. I bought a phone for her when it was decided that I would be traveling to Forks to supervise the building of the house. I needed to be able to talk to my girl whenever she needed me so I surprised her with a new iPhone.

My beautiful girl, Olivia, or Libby as we called her. She was amazing, a perfect blend of Ash and I. I couldn't be any prouder of my girl, she had me wrapped around her finger and I was fine with that. When she was born my world shifted and all the injustice I felt from the situation faded away.

"Lib and I did some shopping today for the new house," she said as she began to tell me where and what they bought. I just listened to her and how excited the girls were for this move.

"I am glad you both had a good day together. I miss my girls," I told her because I did. I missed the way they were so lazy in the morning and how excited they got when a song they liked came onto the radio. I also missed their hugs and kisses. I longed for feeling needed by them.

"We miss you too. Do you think you will be home by next weekend? Your mother is insisting on throwing us a going away party."

"Tell her I will be back, there are a few more things I need to deal with here and then I should be coming home for about a week, ok?" I told her hoping that she did not question what needed to be done.

We chatted for a few more minutes about the impending move to Forks and said our goodnights.

"I love you Edward," she said. Her voice was firm but reassuring almost like she knew that I was dealing with something big. I knew she loved me and I loved her. Loving each other was never a issue over the years, it was the type of love we shared that constantly nagged at me and left me dreaming about the girl I gave my heart to ten years ago.

"Love you too Ash. Kiss Libs for me?" I asked.

"You know I will. Goodnight." she said before the phone disconnected.

Setting the phone on the table I decided to take a warm shower. Pulling my clothes off my body I dropped them onto the floor on my way to the bathroom.

I turned the shower on so it had a chance to heat up while I studied my face in the mirror. The man who stared back at me was not who I wished to be. The beginnings of a bruise were forming around my right cheek. I flinched when I touched it and then the tears began to fill my eyes. It was not from the obvious pain of being hit, but the pain of knowing I made her so angry that she felt as if she had to hit me.

The bathroom was heating up from the shower and condensation was forming on the mirror. Climbing into the shower I washed the day away and cried. I wasn't crying for the choices I was forced to make so many years ago, I cried because my heart was torn and I had made a promise to my daughter that I would never break.


	11. Chapter 11

**I own nothing. Not Twilight, not the quotes, the town, or the infamous red truck. I am also not responsible for Kristen Stewart's lapse of sanity when she decided to suck face in public with a much older man when she "had" a perfectly fine one at home. Oh well life does go on, and on, and on.**

**All mistakes are mine because I am human and make a bunch of them. Today it was when I convinced my husband that I was strong enough to help him unload our new grill off the back of the truck. Too bad my shorts got caught on the tailgate and cause me to trip and we lost control of the HEAVY grill. I would of been fine unloading it because I am that strong, but I did not want to rip my shorts. I love this shorts and they do belong to me.**

**Enjoy.**

_Previously..._

_My mind was racing as I felt excited. Excited for having a huge party in Peyton's memory while raising money for the organization and maybe I was also excited to have actually had an idea related to this event that did not bring me to my knees in sadness and grief._

Time is fleeting. Days filled with therapy, work, and party preparations have helped me ignore Edward's occasional presence in town, most days when I retire to my room and my eyes close for the night I can see him. In my mind he is younger like he was in college. I can smell his cologne and feel the warmth of his skin. Each mark and curve is burned into my mind. Scar or mole. Chest or thigh. I know them all. I think of the last time we made love (although it is silly of me to think it was love making when I know now it was just sex to him). The way his arms embraced me, his body response to me, the sweet drops of sweat falling off him onto me, and the result of our intimacy, Peyton.

During an intense session with Jennifer, my therapist, I had decided it was time to find my own place to live. The thought of not having my parents to fall back on is scary, but it is time for me to begin my own life. Coming to the realization that I was far too dependant on my parents was overwhelming and as soon as I returned from my appointment that day I made the decision to start acting like an adult. The first step was to find my own home.

It did not take me very long to find a suitable place to live. Through word of mouth I received a phone call from Mrs. Cope, the high school secretary, within the first week. She had heard from Charlie that I was finally flying the coop and wanted to offer me the small one bedroom cottage that has sat empty for the past few years on her parent's property. When they passed away she moved into their home, but the cottage that was sitting on the large property had remained empty.

It was about one hundred yards behind the main house and it was perfect. From the cobblestone to the beautiful built in bookcases that lined the living room wall, I began another chapter of my life.

When Mrs. Cope handed me the key I immediately started with the cleaning, not long after I started I was surprised by a knock at the door. On the other side was Rose and Alice with their arms full of cleaning supplies ready to help. Hours later Jasper and Emmett arrived with pizza and beer. Being surrounded by my friends gave me a feeling of security that I had been ignoring for many years.

My parents bought me new furniture for the living room, Rose gave me her old dining room table she had in storage, and I used my savings to buy myself a new bedroom set. It was a Sunday when I moved into my new home. My family and friends were there to help me carry and arrange the furniture. As I unpacked boxes I came across the photos of my baby girl. Running my hands over the glass I wiped the dust that had accumulated. Four separate frames contained the most beautiful photos of Peyton. The day she was born, one of her and I when she came home from the hospital, a family photo of my parents and us, and the last photo I had taken of her just two weeks before she passed.

Carefully arranging them on the mantle above the fireplace I stared at them lost in my memories until I felt someone come up behind me and arms wrap around me. Immediately I knew it was my mother. She held me tight and whispered that Peyton was watching over me and she would be happy that I was moving forward. Tears fell from my eyes as I grasp my mother's hands that were resting on my chest. I simply nodded my head as tears ran down my face.

Settling in was easier than I expected. I enjoyed being on my own although I was never alone. Every day since I moved in I had company. Jasper, my parents, Mrs. Cope, Rose, or Alice were all frequent visitors.

One evening Emmett, Rose, and Alice all arrived at the the same time. When I opened my door I told them all to go home because I was fine and if I was ever going to get through this they all needed to back off and let me do it on my own. Knowing they were worried about me being alone I felt guilty for sending them away, but I also knew that I needed to learn to rely on myself and not others to get through my demons.

After that the visits slowed down and I was happy that they trusted I was doing alright on my own.

"I have all the invitations addressed and ready to send out. Do you think you could swing by the post office this afternoon?" Rose asked. I looked up from paper I was reading and nodded.

"I will go there before I head back home," I replied, turning my attention back to the caterer's proposal.

We were sitting at her dining room table on a Wednesday evening going over some details of the fundraiser. Everything was coming together so well that it made me nervous since I was alway waiting for something bad to happen.

"So we have four weeks to tie up the loose ends. Is there anything you want to change?" she asked.

I looked over to my friend and couldn't help but smile at her. She was amazing and I would always be grateful for all she has done over the past few weeks to pull everything together.

"Everything is great, you did such a great job. I don't know how I will every be able to thank you," I said to her.

"Well there is something you could do for me?" she said. Her eyes were giving her away because I knew that look, she was up to something.

"What would that be?" I asked.

"Well, as you know most of us are going as couples because we are in fact couples and I think it would be good if you invited someone to accompany you. I know someone who would be willing to be by your side all night, ya' know to make sure you are alright in case one of us is occupied or something," her request was most likely from a good place, but I still knew that she was up to something and I was scared to think about the person she thought would be willing to stand beside me all night while I greeted guests and tried my hardest not to break down.

"Rose, I will be fine. Every year it gets a little bit easier and I can't expect someone to follow me around all night." I responded, not wanting to burden someone.

She stared at me for a moment then turned her attention back to organizing the stack of papers in front of her. After a few minutes she stopped and looked up at me.

"Garrett wants to be there for you and I know that the two of you get along really well. I know he is willing to stand by you all night and be there for you. Bella, you have said it yourself, you don't expect all of us to always catch you when you fall. It is just that someone should be there for you. All these years you have taken this silly vow of independence or celibacy and I think it is time for you to move forward. You have done so well these past few months and I think you're ready to start to date, have fun, or at least start having mind blowing sex."

I just sat there at the table and let everything she had seep into my brain. A part of me, albeit a small part, wanted to tell her to fuck off. Then another part of me knew everything she said she said out of love and friendship.

"Garrett?" I inquired as if I didn't really know who he was, but I knew. I also knew that there were no sparks when he kissed me and by asking him to be my '"date" I would be inviting him into some kind of relationship/friendship that I knew would be lopsided. My heart would never be the same again. It was broken, scarred, and would never be more than the organ pumping blood throughout my body for I was destined to never love again. I truly believe this.

"Garrett," she said firmly. Confirming that we were talking about the same one that I worked with almost everyday. The same guy that would occasionally come into the office just to eat lunch with me. The person who was always looking out for me hiding in the background. I felt his presence, but it was not a magnetism that I have felt before.

I closed my eyes and thought for a second. I thought about my last session with Jennifer and how we discussed my reluctance to to be in a relationship again. She told me that I could never know for certain that I couldn't have a successful partnership unless I put myself out there to try. She read me a quote, "A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for." then she told me to take a few days to think about the quote and how it could apply to this situation I forced upon myself.

Looking at my best friend I made a decision that I prayed would not come back to haunt me.

"I will ask Garrett to go with me," before I could get another word out she jumped up from her chair causing it to fall over and pulled me into a hug. I squeezed her back then pulled my face away from her so I could look into her eyes, "there is one condition."

"Anything Bella, whatever you want," she replied. Her face lit up with her smile.

"I do this my way. No one else gets involved. Understand?" I told her.

"Yes, yes, yes. This is all you, I won't do anything and I will make sure Alice keeps her nose out of it too, I promise," she said as she made the boy scout hand sign.

She picked up her chair and sat down trying to calm herself down. Just as I did the same the front door slammed shut. Emmett's voice bellowed through the kitchen as he called for Rose.

Rose yelled back that we were in the dining room.

He walked into the room and went over to his wife to kiss her. It was just a kiss between two people in love. That simple kiss made me envious. I wanted to have what they did.

"Bells, I am so glad you are here. I was just telling Garrett on the way over about the fundraiser and all the cool shit that will be going on. He seemed pretty excited about the live band. You really should ask him to come," my large friend and boss said as he picked up Rose's iced tea and took a gulp. The ice cubes clinked against each other and the glass. There was nothing that he did that was quiet.

I stood up and announced it was time for me to go home. Throwing my bag over my shoulder I said my goodbyes and headed toward the front door. As I entered the hallway that lead to the foyer I saw Garrett talking on his phone. He looked up and his eyes met with mine. He dismissed whoever he was on the phone with a "let me call you back" and ended the call.

"Hey Bella. Leaving already?" he said.

"Yeah," I replied as I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my jacket from the coat tree. Garrett grabbed it from my hands and helped me slip it on.

As I pulled my hair forward to keep it from getting tucked into the collar he gently pulled the coat upwards and onto my body. Turning around I murmured thanks as he grabbed the zipper and tugged the metal fastener upward. It was a strange feeling to have someone other than myself zip my jacket, but I couldn't help that I also thought it was a sweet gesture.

Moving toward the door he followed behind me.

"Let me walk you to your truck," he insisted as he grabbed the doorknob and pulled the heavy oak door opened. The evening air was chilly and gave me goosebumps.

"Sure Garrett, that would be great," I said.

Walking to my truck in silence my mind played the events of the night he kissed me . He opened the truck door, took my bag from my shoulder, and slid it onto the bench seat.

I wished him a goodnight as I climbed into my truck.

"Bella, wait a second," he asked. Turning back sideways so I was facing him he took a few steps closer to me stopping as his body touched my knees.

Anticipation filled me. I wondered what he was going to say or what he was going to do. I did not have to wait long as he began to speak.

"I really feel bad for what I did that night a few weeks ago," I started to interrupt him, telling him he had no reason to be sorry, but he held his hand up signaling me to stop talking.

"Just let me say this. I am sorry for taking advantage of the situation, of you that night. When I arrived I knew something was going on between you and that guy and I didn't like it. I felt protective of you like I needed to save you from him and I know that sounds really bad, but it is the truth. I just wanted to make you smile after he made you so upset. There is something about you that I can't ignore and I have tried to fight it, but the thing is I don't want to fight it anymore. I want to protect you because you are special. Really special to me and I would do anything to make you smile everyday if you could just let me. So what I am asking you is to let me in, to give me one chance."

His words were sincere and spoken with confidence. It was hard to ignore the fact he was putting himself out there, risking whatever he had to tell me how he felt and dammit it felt good to hear it.

"Garrett, it is just I don't think I am the person who would make you hap..." I stopped talking because his lips crashed into mine and silenced me. It was a chaste kiss, but easy to tell that it was full of passion.

"Don't you say happy Isabella Swan, because just the fact you exist makes me happy and I am so tired of hiding my feelings for you everyday. You are beautiful, smart, strong, everything I have dreamt about. I have watched you for so long just barely going through the motions of each day and each time I look at you there is this smile you give me. And I know that this smile is for me because I watch you with others and you never give anyone the same smile that you give me. That tells me something. It tells me that there is hope and that alone makes it very hard for me to stay away from you."

"Don't," I said. Surprised by my omission. I wasn't blind because Garrett was very attractive in a blue collar, hard working man kind of way. My reluctance was all about me and how I could never be enough for him. My moods and bouts of depression would certainly drive him crazy. Also I feared what would happen if I actually let my guard down and he changed his mind, what would I do then.

"Don't what?" he asked confused by my response.

"Don't stay away from me. Don't give up on me, not yet anyway. I am trying to heal, to live, to get over the past. I need more time," I said the words as my heart pumped wildly in my chest. It hurt with every beat. Placing my hand on my chest I pressed hard trying to feel my heartbeat.

"Silly girl," he mumbled as he leaned in and kissed me again, "I won't give up on you."

Living in the moment I leaned in and kissed him again this time running the tip of my tongue along his bottom lip. He deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around me as I did the same to him. The kiss was different from the last one we shared, this one was consensual, both of us giving into each other equally.

"Ahem," a voice came from nowhere. Emmett stood at the front of my truck holding a canvas bag of what I assumed were the invitations I had forgotten on the table. He walked over and handed the bag to Garrett and slapped him on the back before he made his way back into the house. I took the bag and turned back into the driver seat as he said goodbye and shut the truck door.

I watched as Garrett walked to the front porch and stood on the top step watching me as I started the truck. I shifted into reverse and look up in my rearview mirror and pulled out onto the road. I took one last glance at the house as I put the truck into drive. The sheer curtains in the upstairs bedroom window shift and there was no guessing that Rose had seen everything.


	12. Chapter 12

**I own nothing and would never intend to steal Stephanie Meyer's thunder. I do own a talking Cabbage Kid Doll from the 90's.**

**Here it is kids. Thank you for being patient while I battled with RL drama. This is 2000 words (my longest chapter yet) and I hope you enjoy them. I promise the next chapter will have some Bella and Edward interaction.**

_I watched as Garrett walked to the front porch and stood on the top step watching me as I started the truck. I shifted into reverse and look up in my rearview mirror and pulled out onto the road. I took one last glance at the house as I put the truck into drive. The sheer curtains in the upstairs bedroom window shift and there was no guessing that Rose had seen everything._

If I had known how easy it would be to "date" a man like Garrett, I certainly would have not waited so long to do it. There have been three very simple "dates" with him over the last two weeks. When I first gave in to him I was so worried that I was making a mistake. Things have been moving so fast in my life and I was not sure if I was making the best decisions for me. The realization that I was considering myself was what Jennifer called a "break through". I just shrug my shoulders in defeat.

When I think about it the word date doesn't seem to fit, because in reality we are just spending time together like friends would do. A simple picnic lunch during our lunch break, dinner at a small Italian bistro in town, and last night we shared appetizers and a couple beers at a local pub. There were no expectations, no intense discussions, or awkward, stereotypical first date questions. It was just two people hanging out and enjoying a moment together.

The time I spend with Garrett is comfortable. Our similar taste in music and movies makes it easy to find something to talk about. We also agreed that conversations about religion and politics could wait for later, or as far as I was concerned, never. When he dropped me off at home after hanging out at the pub last night I found myself curious about his past.

Every person has a past and I wanted to know how he ended up in Forks, WA, working for Emmett, and why he was not already in a relationship. He is a great guy and the realization that I wanted to know more also meant that I would also have to share something about myself. This is where my issues begin.

I also have developed a horrible habit of comparing him to the only other relationship I have ever had. Comparing Garrett to Edward is like comparing a vampire to a werewolf, two completely different creatures, but yet I can't help wondering if what I am feeling for Garrett will end just as bad.

Shaking the negative thoughts from my head I finished off my outfit and grabbed my phone before heading off to Em and Rose's place for a pre-event party. Tomorrow is the big day and even though the emotions are threatening to spill over I am excited about the potential funds that would be raised in my baby girls honor.

Since the first event, Rose has planned a smaller get together to celebrate Peyton's short life. As you can imagine I was reluctant at first, not wanting to sit around with my family bringing up painful memories of my loss. It was after a conversation with my mother I realized that I wasn't the only person deeply affected, but my family, friends, and even the town had been saddened by the tragedy.

Much to my surprise it was nothing that I expected. Expecting something similar to a wake or funeral, instead it was more like a celebration. Lavender accents sparsely decorated the living area of the house and outside on the patio there was a few small round tables with a simple candle centerpiece. Before sunset we released white balloons into the sky in memory of my daughter and then we spent the rest of the evening by the firepit while Jasper, Emmett, and a few others played guitars and sang songs.

At the end of the night I was emotionally exhausted with my eyes burning from all the tears that fell, but I was enlightened to the fact that every single person that shared the evening was there for me. To help me work through the constant struggle, to keep her memory alive, and as hard as it was I knew that this was important for me, for all of us.

The second year I decided to attach a letter to the balloon I released. This started a tradition for me and every year I wrote to my daughter about everything and nothing, attached it to the string of the balloon. As it ascented into the sky I imagined she would hear the words spoken to her. She would know how she changed my life for the better and how I would never forget her no matter how long I stayed in this life.

I pulled the note card from the glove compartment and slammed the truck door. Garrett was standing on the porch with a beer in his hand. When our eyes met a smile crept onto his face. He excused himself from the guys he was standing with and walked down the sidewalk to me.

I stood still waiting for him to come to me and once he was standing close he leaned down and placed a kiss onto my forehead.

"Bella," he whispered.

Looking up at him though my lashes I took a moment to look at him. There was no doubt that he was a handsome man. His brown hair cut short and about two days worth of stubble across his face. His eyes were bright and focused on me. Feeling a blush creep across my cheeks I snaked my arm around his waist and walked with him onto the porch.

"I have been waiting for you to arrive," he whispered to me as we walked through the door of the house. The smell of his cologne and warmth of his body comfort me. Parts of me want to give in to these feelings and the other parts, the ones that are shattered, keep adding bricks to the wall around my heart.

"Yeah, I was late. It just took me some time to get ready for all of this," I said as I swept my hand out in front of me gesturing to the groups of people scattered around the entryway of the house.

"I know sweetness. Just know I am only a few feet away and if you need anything. I mean anything. Let me know." He brushed his lips to my forehead and pulled away. I noticed that Garrett did not hover. He gave me space whether I needed it or not.

Nodding in response I left him in the foyer and made my way to the kitchen where I knew I could hide to compose myself for a few minutes before I had to make my arrival known. Grabbing a wine glass from the cupboard I filled it up with a half empty bottle of Riesling that sat on the counter.

Emptying the contents in one gulp, I refilled and headed toward the familiar voices of my family and friends.

Time passed with awkward embraces and comfortable chit chat. Watching the others as they spoke to one another and sincerely looked like they were enjoying themselves made me feel displaced. I was being ignored by anyone, but I was doing my best not to make direct eye contact with anyone else. Seeing Rose across the room speaking to woman whom I had never seen I decided that I needed to refill my empty wine glass. A small bar was set up in the corner of the great room, feeling relieved to have made the walk across the room without interruption, I set my empty glass down. I smiled at the man who seemed to have read my mind and was already pouring me a fresh glass of wine.

I thanked the man and turned around to face the room. Catching Rose's attention she waved me over to her and the woman she had been chatting to. I took my time as I crossed the room. As I approached she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

"I have barely seen you since you arrive, thought maybe Garrett pulled you into the closet or something," she said to me with a smirk. Her arm wrapped around my waist and she pulled my close to her. Being close to Rose always made me feel safe.

"You know me. I have been chatting with my parents and other family members. Catching up on who is getting married, divorced, No big deal." I replied as I sipped my wine and continued to look around the room.

Just as she was ready to make an introduction to the woman next to her, my mother came behind me to let me know it was almost time for the balloon release. I excused myself to follow my mother out to the patio. It didn't take very long before Jasper, Ali, Rose, and Emmett were behind me as my parents began to pull single balloons from the huge bunch they both held. Each guest took a balloon as they filed out the doors through the backyard to the small field behind the house.

Although there were only about 25 people it took some time to get everyone out into the field. I held onto my balloons tightly. One white balloon for each month Peyton was alive and a lavender one with my note attached. As I waited for the small ceremony to begin I thought about the note I wrote to my baby girl.

The words just poured from me as I wrote them the night before. I told her about the past year and how much I missed her. I told her again all the dreams I had for her and how I imagined her in the clouds watching over me. The last thing I wrote that I had never thought of doing before is telling her about Edward, her father. I started with the first time I seen him up to the confrontation we had. As I wrote I felt so sad for myself, I was still in love with the idea of him even after he had broken me.

After I had sealed the envelope I sat on my small porch just listening to the night creep in as it pushed the day away. The world was calm, but a storm was brewing inside me. On a constant loop was Edward playing over and over again in my mind. Various images of us played for me like a low budget film. We were together, a family of three, Peyton and her daddy...her daddy.

It was like a thunderbolt shot from me as I for the first time actually recognized the words, Edward was Peyton's daddy.

"It is time," my mother's voice brought me back to the field. Hundreds of balloons had already been released and I was the only one left. I nodded my head and took a few steps forward. Raising my arm I released the hold I had on the balloons. They floated upward into the sky and when I thought I could not watch them fly away a strong wind came across the field. The force took the balloons across the sky and above the top of the trees.

Closing my eyes I took a deep breath and the hot tears ran down my cheek. I could hear the voices of others as they began to retreat back to the party. When I opened them I felt a drop, then another, and a few more. Rain began to pour down and the sun that usually was hidden behind some clouds peeked out and presented a rainbow.

"I love you too, Babygirl, I love you too," I whispered into the winds.

Turning around I saw Garrett standing behind me, everyone else had vanished. He was standing there waiting for me. I sprinted to him and threw my arms around his body as I sobbed. He held me tightly and whispered promise after promise. The words didn't register with my mind, but his body language, the way he spoke as our bodies melded together started to mend some of the pieces of my heart.


	13. Chapter 13

_Turning around I saw Garrett standing behind me, everyone else had vanished. He was standing there waiting for me. I sprinted to him and threw my arms around his body as I sobbed. He held me tightly and whispered promise after promise. The words didn't register with my mind, but his body language, the way he spoke as our bodies melded together started to mend some of the pieces of my heart._

When the last of the guests had left I settled down in a chair to catch my breath. Various thoughts played in my mind, recalling my time at college, the partying, finding out I was pregnant. Everything I had done in the past decade rained down and left me burdened with regret.

I recall giving birth and the first days of motherhood, never scared, but happy to have brought such a beautiful girl into the world. I wondered what she would be like, look like, and everything else a new mother dreams about when holding their newborn. Some nights, I would hold my daughter all night long and wonder where her father was. I wondered how he would react to her, knowing about her, seeing her for the first time. Wishing I had the answers I vowed that no matter what I would be there for my sweet baby girl, nothing would ever tear us apart. If I had only known then that evil was still lurking I could have changed so many things. I would not have waited so long to bring her to the doctor when her cold worsened. I would have stayed home that night instead of giving in to Rose and Alice's girls night. I should have been there with my precious, watching her sleep, ensuring she was safe, and maybe...just maybe...

I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and glanced at my surroundings. My parents were with Rose and Emmett in the foyer acting as the farewell crew before they slipped on their own coats and began to offer their own thanks and good nights to the gracious hosts. The soft tones of the voices carry through the hallway and reach me as I let out the large breath I was holding.

Assuring my mother that everything was being taken care of Rose calmly spoke to my mother as Renee thanked her for all she had done. There were a few sniffles and a moment of silence before Rose and Emmett appeared in the doorway of the living room. I am certain that it was my mother crying and I was glad that I didn't have to see it with my own eyes because that would certainly crumbled the stone walls that I had erected.

I sat with my legs tucked under my body in a comfortable wingback chair, my wine glass balanced carefully on the armrest and my shoes kicked off to the side. Garrett sat on the floor in front of the chair, his head resting near my knees as he listened to Jake and Sam talk about cars or some guy shit like that. His occasional laughter shook the chair and disrupted the drink in my glass.

Watching the golden liquid as it swirled around the bowl dangerously close to spilling all over the flowered upholstery, my mind wandered back to the events earlier in the evening and to the blast of air that chased away the balloons I released. I wondered if Peyton was trying to tell me something, as silly as that sounds I believe it. Part of the reason why I haven't ran away from this small town that ties me to this nightmare is because I am afraid that I won't be able to feel her like I do here. When I spoke to Jennifer about this, she explained it was normal for some people who experience the death of child to not want to move on. They often leave their loved ones bedrooms the same or refuse to leave the house for fear that they won't be there for when they return. I was able to change my immediate surroundings and donate what I could part with to an organization that assists teen parents prepare for parenthood. As for the things that I refused to give up I keep those in my hope chest that was left to me from my Gramma Swan. A baby book completed up to the month she passed, the outfit she came home in, a stuffed bear given to her by my parents, and a frame that holds a photo of her ultrasound sit untouched since the day I packed them away.

"Bell, you awake up there?" his voice jerked me away from my thoughts. Garrett was on his feet looking down at me as he took my glass and placed it on a nearby table. His eyes were bright like stars, his smile was contagious as he pulled me onto my feet.

"I am now," I replied as he pulled me closer to his body without letting my hands go. Our fingers intertwined at our sides, his nose brushed against mine. The heat began in my stomach and traveled upward to my chest. I could feel the blood pool under the skin of my cheeks making them red and rosy.

"I think we need to go before everyone comes looking for us," he said as he pulled me down the hall to the den. His warm hand clasp around mine as he pulled me through the doorway and sat me beside him on the piano bench.

Resting my head against the firmness of his shoulder I watched as he fingers danced over the keys tapping out a melody that I was familiar with. The music floats around me, comforting me, grounding me in a way that music only can. Closing my eyes I began to hum along, listening as the notes pulled at me as if they are begging me to let go.

Garrett's voice startles me as he begins to sing and it is surprisingly beautiful, nothing like I would imagine.

_I don't know where I'm at_

_I'm standing at the back_

_And I'm tired of waiting_

_Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing._

I give in, relax into Garrett's side as I open my mouth. The lyrics fall from my tongue but in reality they come from my soul. Our voices blend together and it sounds beautiful.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

His smile is as bright as the sun and the slight nod of his head gives me the permission I need to take over control. Pulling a deep breath into my lungs I accept the challenge with a smile. My hands sweat as they rest on my thighs, I am too afraid to do anything else with them. My eyes instictively close and I sing.

I'm not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I'm missing way too much

So when do I give up, what I've been wishing for.

I gave it all I had and from the look on his face he is surprised? happy? proud? I have no idea really what he thinks, but I can't help to wonder if he feels it too. We continue on together both giving and taking what we need. The bubble we creating grows larger around us. Like a cocoon it is safe and gives us what we need.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

Can't find another way around

And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I never know why it's coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I'll never know why, it's coming down, down, down.

The last note is played and his fingers are still on the white and black keys. I look at him, maybe for the first time, I really look at him. His eyes are bright and inviting and his smile. The tiniest upturn of his lips send the dead butterflies that I believe to live inside me free. They are alive and they are flitting like crazy, sugared up babies. In this moment I actually believe that happiness is possible for me.

Alcohol flows freely and it is obvious when we begin to sing silly songs from our childhood. The fire warms the room, reddening our cheeks and forcing us to shed layers. I sit dangerously close to Garrett on the floor, my thin t-shirt not a thick enough barrier to shield the heat coming off his body. Holding his own guitar he strums a chord and begins to sing.

_The other night dear, as I lay sleeping_

_I dreamed I held you in my arms_

_But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken_

_So I hung my head and I cried._

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_

_You make me happy when skies are gray_

_You'll never know dear, how much I love you_

_Please don't take my sunshine away_

He kept his head down as he sang and for that I was grateful because the tears fell from my eyes. I had pulled my bent knees in close and wrapped my arms around them slowly rocking back and forth as visions of rocking my baby to sleep played like a horror movie.

From the corner of my eye I could see Rose reach toward her glass beside her when she knocked the wineglass over and spilt the dark liquid across the table.

"Oh shit," she cursed out loud disrupting the song and attracting everyone's attention. We all moved quickly to help her contain the spill from staining the light colored carpet. Garrett stopped abruptly and set down his guitar moving quickly toward the kitchen to get towels.

Rose's face told me everything I needed to know, it was no accident, she would always do whatever she could to protect me. Even if it meant risking her expensive cream carpet.

By the time Garrett returned with the towels I had already wiped the tears away. The towels absorbed the Merlot and the carpet was not harmed. Jake and the boys decided to call it a night and Jasper and Alice agreed. I was more than ready to go home.

Garrett said his goodbye outside after the others left. His soft lips brushed against mine and his embrace was tight. He promised to call me when he got up in the morning so he could arrange to drive me to the benefit. Agreeing with his plan I climbed into my truck and drove along the quiet highway towards town. It was a surprisingly clear night as the rain that had fallen earlier most likely assured that a storm was going to roll through. I cracked the driver's side window and breathed in the cool air. The radio filled the cab with background noise and the dashboard lights were glowing softly, they provided a simple comfort as I traveled down the road.

Tapping the brake pedal I slowed the truck to navigate through a bend in the road. On the other side of the curve was a car on the side of the road. Yellow hazard lights blinked bright in the darkness and I slowed my truck down. Carefully moving in front of the car I stopped and shifted into park. Recalling how Charlie would always lecture me on safety I locked my door and pushed my hand into my purse that sat next to me on the seat. Quickly locating the small, metal can that lived in the bottom of my purse I grabbed my phone and pulled up the contact for my father's work phone just in case there was an emergency. Pepper spray and a phone, a single woman's weapons against the bad things that can happen on the road. Charlie would be proud.

I watched in my side mirror as a person cautiously walked up the side of my truck. I recognized it was a man but it was hard to see anything else with the blinking lights behind me reflecting into the mirror. I rolled the window down a bit more when the man approached the driver's side door.

"Bella, is that you?" the voice I have tried so long to forget pulled me from my defensive state.

"Ed-Edward, are you alright?" I asked him because he looked like hell. A few days worth of stubble along his cheeks and chin and his crazy hair was peeking out from a knit hat. Wearing only a lightweight coat, his body shivered as the wind whipped around him.

"I think I hit a deer...I mean I am sure that is what it is, but it ran off into the woods. My phone is dead because I never charged it today. Anyway it did some damage to the front and I can't get it to start," he rambled on to me while he pulled his hat from head and ran his fingers roughly through his hair.

"I can call Emmett for you if you want," I said to him through the open space in the window. It felt weird to be speaking to him, but I felt more comfortable with a glass barrier between us.

"That would be great," he said and he immediately smiled. The tension disappeared from his brow and he let out a long breath.

I threw the pepper spray back into my purse. Edward wouldn't physically harm me that I was sure of. I cleared out my father's contact and dialed Emmett's number. The phone rang a few times before he answered. Edward waited outside my truck as I spoke to Emmett but when I turned my head away from him, he walked back to his car and leaned against the hood.

Emmett's reaction was almost funny as I tried to explain the situation. He was more concerned about my reaction to Edward than he was about Edward, but also what I would do until he could get dressed and drive over. Clearly he did not want me to be with Edward alone and I agreed with him, but I also knew at some point I needed to get over all these feelings I had. It was over with a long time ago and to continue to let the past dictate my well being was only going to keep me from finding my happiness.

I exited the truck and walked over to where he stood. He looked defeated and I could agree that being stranded on the side of the road was not something that would make any person happy. Stopping just a few feet from him I spoke his name to get his attention. He looked at me with an intensity that caught me off guard. No words were exchanged between us, we just stared at each other for a moment.

Unable to stand the quiet I decided to speak up to break the silence.

"Are you alright? I m-mean... you didn't get hurt or anything?" I asked him nervously.

He shook his head back and forth and let out a laugh that sounded nervous or possibly humorous. It was hard to determine what it was. Resting against his car with his eyes cast down he was carefully folding up a piece of paper.

"Alright? You want to know if I am alright?" he sounded on edge, but not in a way that I was fearful of his actions. It was clear that something was bothering him and it most likely had nothing to do with the car he leaned against.

He looked up from his hands, his eyes were black, empty. Pushing off from the car he walked over to me stopping just a few inches away. I had forgotten how tall he was as he towered over me, looking down. His movements were not frightening me, it was the way he moved, with purpose. Determined to do something, but thankfully he did nothing.

There was nothing said between us, nothing was needed to be said. I owed him nothing and expected less from him. The silence was so loud, my heart thumping so hard that I could hear the whoosh of blood as it passed through my head.

"Do you believe in fate, Bella?" his voice broke the silence between us. "I need to know if you believe in fate, that everything we say and do happens for a reason."

The question was so random that it was almost humorous. Fate? I knew nothing about fate, much less if I believed in it. Was it fate that I got pregnant? Was it fate that I dealt with our breakup in such a destructive way? Was it fate that my baby died after I realized she was my everything? Was it fate that I ended up so miserable, so determined that my life was over?

"Why?" It was all I could ask.

"Because I want to know if you think that this is a coincidence?" he answered as he waved his hand between the two of us.

Anger filled me as soon as he insinuated there was anything between us. That had ended many years ago when he disrespected me. I drew in a large breath and blew it out hoping it would calm me. It seemed to have a reverse effect as I decided it was time to ask the one question that I have wanted to ask for so long.

"NO, you don't get to ask me anything! If any questions are going to be answered it will be mine. So why don't you tell me the reason behind what you did back in college? Because we both know that we were so much more than acquaintances?" I screamed at him. Chest heaving, skin reddening, and if smoke could bellow from my ears it would have.

He paused for a second and I waited for the answer. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Slipping the paper he was holding into his pocket he turned away from me, but immediately turned back around. Just as he started to speak the bright lights of an oncoming vehicle interrupted him. The truck came to a stop in the middle of the road and the unmistaken voice of my friend yelled.

"Does someone need roadside assistance?"


	14. Chapter 14

"NO, you don't get to ask me anything! If any questions are going to be answered it will be mine. So why don't you tell me the reason behind what you did back in college? Because we both know that we were so much more than acquaintances?" I screamed at him. Chest heaving, skin reddening, and if smoke could bellow from my ears it would have.

He paused for a second and I waited for the answer. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Slipping the paper he was holding into his pocket he turned away from me, but immediately turned back around. Just as he started to speak the bright lights of an oncoming vehicle interrupted him. The truck came to a stop in the middle of the road and the unmistaken voice of my friend yelled.

"Does someone need roadside assistance?"

The bedcovers rustle as I attempt to find a comfortable spot on my queen mattress.

Eyes open.

Eyes closed.

Left foot sticking out from the duvet.

Tuck left foot back under the duvet.

I repeat this over and over until I can take no more. Throwing the covers off my body my feet hit the floor with a purpose as I stomp my way to the bathroom. The overhead light is bright and I squint until my eyes adjust. Bravely I stand in front of the mirror that hangs above the sink and I look at myself. I am worn beyond my actual years. Lost dreams and sleep are in each line that maps my face. There is also sadness and loss. My fingers press against my cheekbones and tug upwards. I pull farther up to smooth the lines around my eyes, but no matter how tightly I pull it does not fix what I see. The girl in me has vanished.

My mind keeps going back to to what Edward said to me tonight.

"Do you believe in fate, Bella?" "I need to know if you believe in fate, that everything we say and do happens for a reason."  
>"Because I want to know if you think that this is a coincidence?"<p>

I don't think there is anything that is called fate when it comes to us, right? This whole thing is so confusing. What is he even talking about about? Frustrated with everything at the moment I gave up looking at the reflection of myself. All my emotions are knotted together inside me, tangled together in a mess. I wish I was able to pull them apart and decode each of them, solve the puzzles of my psyche and find some peace. I just want to be able to breathe just to breathe, not because I am out of breath.

I want to know why he is here. Why now? After all these years? Just when I have the possibility of moving on with someone else? Could I build a new life? I could, couldn't I? I think I could. With the right man I believe it will be possible. Garrett could be the right man. At the time I thought Edward was the right man. STOP. Don't think that. Don't think about him like that.

Why do I always think about him like that? Even when Garrett is being sweet to me or holding me close. When his soft, full lips brush against mine I can't help but to think of another time when I was much younger and felt another set of soft lips that made my heart race. STOP. Don't think that. Bella, you can't think about that.

I walk into my living room and stare at the walls around me. There is a small lamp on the side table near the couch that I keep on everynight. It casts a soft glow about the room, just enough to illuminate the room. There are some family photos and reproduced artwork hung on the walls, otherwise the room is plain and boring. As I glance around I become annoyed and angry with my surroundings. Everything is muted and boring, so simple and complete bullshit. There is no life in this home. Beige walls decorated with the typical Monet and the staged family photo. Forced smiles trying to forget the pain and fear that filled our lives for those few years. As the photos continue through the room the smiles of the others are more genuine while mine is as fake as the first. I am decorated no differently than this room. Covered up beige walls with nothing special framed works bought at a flea market. Muted, boring, simple, and complete bullshit.

This realization makes me furious and not the type of anger that usually has me closed up for days in bed. Instead I begin to pull the frames off the walls and throw them toward the kitchen. I clear the walls of any decoration and I push the furniture from the center of the room to the outer walls. My heart is thumping and sweat is pouring off my brow. I hate everything right now. I hate the way I have been living my life. I hate the way I have covered up my real feelings. I hate how he has made me question everything. I hate how he is still in my head and coincidently in my heart. I hate that I have so much hate in me when all I want to do is feel love.

Collapsing in the chair that had been pushed aside ,I decide to give up the struggle and let sleep take over for a few hours. I clear my mind, close my eyes and let sleep take over.

I am outside waiting as Garrett pulls his truck up along the drive. The drive is quiet, the typical 'good morning' and 'how did you sleep' conversation is all that fills the silence. My responses are lies. 'I'm fine and like a baby'. It's easier for now.

Garrett is dressed nicely in grey pants and a black button down shirt. Sleeves rolled to the elbow with a couple buttons undone keeps it casual. His shoes are shiny new. I wonder if he bought them just for today. They look awkward on his feet when I have only seen him in old, dirty work boots. It reminds me of the first day of school for some reason, it must be a new shoe thing.

"What is the smile for?" Garrett asks.

"Nothing," Embarrassed, I try to avoid the subject. I am doing my best to keep up the image of a woman who has it together, embarrassingly I am so falling apart. As we drive I think about the last 24 hours. The party, balloons, Edward, my realizations, and I wonder if it means something. Letting out a sigh I continue to focus on the landscape outside my window.

Garrett moves his hand across the bench seat of his truck and captures my left hand. The warmth of his fingers around mine is soothing. He is like a heating pad, here to ease my aches.

I push my fingers in between his and smile at him. He reciprocates with a smile meant only for me. I feel special and today I need this.

Before the truck comes to a complete stop I am pulled from the cab by Alice and Rose. I hear Garrett's laughter, he is constantly amused by my friend's antics. They speak over my head like mind sharing twins discussing the last minute details. I know the drill, it's their distraction method, because when I walk into the barn that has been transformed into the venue I will be taken back by emotion that I have suppressed. I will be proud for our hard work, but I will be angry that it came at such a price. I will see photos of my daughter and other children displayed in memorial. Conversations with parents that have gone through the same heartache as I have with leave me with little comfort because I know they have traveled the same path I have and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

As we walk through the doors I am overwhelmed by the simplicity, but beauty of the decor. Rose has settled on a country themed fundraiser that centered around family events instead of the typical evening galas we have done in the past. We thought it would be nice to be able to include families that have been effected together as well as the community.

"Rosalie. Alice. You guys...It's so perfect," I say as I continue to look around. My eyes misting up, completely impressed with everything even though I shouldn't be surprised.  
>"Isabella Swan, don't you dare start crying," Alice scolded me as she wrapped her tiny arms around me and squeezed. Rose handed over a tissue she had in her purse, always prepared.<p>

"I am not sure what to say to you both, so I am just going to tell you that I love you so much," I said to the two women before me.

That is how the day began. We direct the caterers and greet the early guests as they arrived. Going through the motions is tedious. I stand where I need to. Speak when I am suppose to. Smile when I am expected to. At all times I am within three feet of my parents or Rose and Garrett is always within eyesight, his constant smiles and winks keep me moving forward.

I mingle with families who have stood with us since the beginning and then onto some who are new with their fresh tears. Doing my best I offer up a smile knowing that there are no words I can say. My father keeps me hydrated with a half tea and half lemonade with fresh ice at all times. I am grateful although my bladder is very full. Two hours has passed and I excuse myself to the restroom needing a personal break. Alice offers to come with me, but I hold my hand up letting her know that I am fine.

Feeling relieved and much more comfortable I exit the stall and wash my hands in the sink. In the mirror I see a mother and daughter behind me sitting on a wicker couch that is in a small sitting area in the corner of the restroom.

They are having a quiet conversation. The woman is beautiful and the girl resembles her mother, but she also has the most amazing color hair. It is brown with red tones. I think of my own daughter's hair, the tufts of brownish red that were so soft, I am sure I think of this because of what today is. As I dry my hands and turn to leave the girl looks up at me. Her eyes are piercing green and paired with her hair she is exactly...exactly...the thought gets stuck in my head. I pull on the door and leave the bathroom. I need a drink. 


	15. Chapter 15 EPOV

They are having a quiet conversation. The woman is beautiful and the girl resembles her mother, but she also has the most amazing color hair. It is brown with red tones. I think of my own daughter's hair, the tufts of brownish red that were so soft, I am sure I think of this because of what today is. As I dry my hands and turn to leave the girl looks up at me. Her eyes are piercing green and paired with her hair she is exactly...exactly...the thought gets stuck in my head. I pull on the door and leave the bathroom. I need a drink.

EPOV

Sitting in silence on the end of the bed, I prepare for my wife's arrival into our bedroom. Elbows resting upon my knees I push the heel of each palm into my eyes and rub vigorously hoping to calm my nerves.

Ashley is only down the hall making sure our daughter is settled in for night. At any moment she will be standing in front of me wondering what the hell is going on because the last two days that I have spent with them I have been noticeably agitated and distracted, even being short-tempered with Libby which is something that never happens.

Looking back over the evening I feel embarrassed at the way I acted, but still felt justified in my behavior. Ashley invited both sets of our parents over for dinner. Since I have been travelling for work and making sure that the house in Forks was progressing my time at home has been sporadic at best. So my wife decided that a dinner would be a good way to spend time with our families while sharing information about our new house, I would have rather come home to see my daughter, relax in the den and finish the bottle of scotch my father gifted me.

Instead I had to endure Ashley complaining about shopping, cooking, and cleaning for dinner. I suggested that we take them out to dinner only to have her laugh and mumble something about me not understanding anything. I agreed with her, I didn't fucking get it at all.

Dinner was unbearable. My in-laws criticized every choice we had made about the new house. My father treated me like I was a child and made sure to explain each and every thing he said in fine detail so that I understood. My mother told me about her conversations with the interior designers and how she was currently in communication with someone in Europe about the stone for the fireplace. Ashley sat close to her mother and carried on a private conversation as Libby ate in silence. This dinner reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to move away and I was glad that the house was close to being finished.

The sound of the door opening and then the click of the lock turning pulls me from the safety of myself. Squinting as the light re-enters my eyes, I look up to see her standing in front of me.

I would be lying if I said Ashley wasn't an attractive woman because she is extremely attractive. Long, brown hair, blue eyes, and a perfect body. I would best describe her as curvy, but she is not overweight at all. Her body puts most women's to shame, her breasts are perfect thanks to a overpriced Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and her ass is perfectly biteable. She is beautiful, but more like the girl next door. She can put on a ball gown and grace a red carpet and the next day she can rock a baseball cap and jersey. Her skin is smooth and tan, but not orange, just a healthy glow. Everything about her appearance screams that she is wealthy, I remember back to Cancun and what she looked like then. So natural and different. Everything was different back then, but yet it is still the same.

"Do you want to tell me what is going on with you?" her voice pulls me from my memory.

I grab her hips and pull her into me nuzzling my face into her cotton covered stomach.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Hold.

"Edward...are you going to answer me?" she asks.

Exhale.

Her hands are still at her side so I grab them and wrap them around my neck. She gives in knowing that I need this from her. It's not the first time that she has had to comfort me over the years, this is what we have become to each other. Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen to them and then Edward and Ash behind this closed door. She knows my deepest secrets, fears, dreams. I know hers. She has seen me cry. I have held her when she has cried. We have raised our daughter together with love, honesty, and determination. Determination to do the right thing, whatever that may be.

We made a commitment to each other when we wed to uphold the vows we made to each other hoping that over time that love would happen, but love hasn't happened between us. It was not our fault because we tried, it wasn't meant to be.

I whisper my apologies to her as I push my face into her abdomen. My lips begin to move on their own and find themselves moving under her t shirt to kiss the soft skin as her fingers run through my hair. Her nails scratch my scalp and force a moan from me. I want Ashley because I need someone else so badly that I can't have. She wants me because she can't have anyone else.

She pushes me down onto the bed and climbs on top of me forcing me down. With her hands on my shoulders she looks into my eyes.

"What is wrong?" she asks again. Her hair falling around us protecting us from the outside. Everything screams at me to tell her about Bella being in Forks. She knows about Bella so it wouldn't be a big deal would it? My physical desire beats out my emotional desire and I attack her.

I bend my knee and place my foot on the bed. Flipping us over I dominate the position and shamelessly grind myself into her forcing her to acknowledge my desire to have her, to change the subject. I remain silent as I remove our clothes while maintaining eye contact with her letting her know that I am here with her. I use my feet to push our underwear to the end of the bed. The scent of her arousal is in the air and I know that she is ready for me, just the anticipation of having sex is enough for this woman. It is times like these I am thankful for the comfort and ease of our relationship.

With my cock in my hand I rub the tip along her slit twice before I slip inside her. I get lost in the thrusting, the breathing, and chasing the climax. I get so lost that I call out another woman's name while spilling myself inside my wife.


	16. Chapter 16

**As always Twilight does not belong to me. No copyright infringement in intended.**

**To my guest reviewer, Thanks for the motivation. Please sign in so I know who you are so I can respond. I worked hard on this tonight to give this chapter to you. I hope it is worth it, Enjoy.**

_Previously..._

_Her eyes are piercing green and paired with her hair she is exactly...exactly...the thought gets stuck in my head. I pull on the door and leave the bathroom. I need a drink._

Pity. It is all around. In the air, in the eyes of every person that surrounds me and in the words that are spoken to me. Pity comes from Alice, Rose, from everyone I meet. It is in the way my parents carefully handle me as if I am coming apart at the seams. I see it as I walk the streets in town and I saw it from the woman in the bathroom as our eyes connected that moment before I hurried out. Pity is everywhere.

Pity is not foreign. It creeps then crawls into my mind and into my chest leaving doubt in its wake. I felt it when he denounced me, sent me away, when he forget what he meant to me. I felt it in the way my "friends" took care of me. I felt it with every shot of alcohol that passed through my lips. I felt it with every drug that promised to numb the pain.

Pity is what comforted me when I finally told my mother I was pregnant. The woman who would have done anything to keep me from making the same mistakes as her. Although if you asked her she described it as empathy. She understood because she had been through it and could relate, but the look in her eyes as my body changed was nothing but pity.

Though the years I have accepted this because the love my family and closest friends have for me overrules the pity. As for the others around me, the ones who do not know me as well, I find it condescending and unsympathetic. Their thoughts are loud and so similar to the ones I have of myself.

Poor Bella. Getting "knocked up" in college. Poor Bella. She had to drop out of college because she couldn't deal.  
>Poor Bella. Teenage mother, just like her own mother.<br>Poor Bella. Poor, poor Bella.

So, as I walk across the floor toward the small stage I become angry. Angry with myself and angry at everyone around me. I pass by groups of familiar faces and place myself at the bar. I start to feel sorry for everyone here. Why can't they find something else to do today? Do they want to be here? What is in it for them?

"What can I get for you Ms. Swan?" the smooth voice of the young bartender breaks my internal debate.

"A shot of something strong?" I ask. Knowing I need courage for what I want to do and strength to be able to pull it off.

The bartender smiles and pulls a bottle of Glenmorangie 18 year from under the bar. With careful precision he pours the honey gold liquor he sets the glass in front of me and disappears to the other end of the bar. I waste no time and bring the whiskey to my lips and swallow it all with one giant gulp.

The flowery malt punch gives way to almost a nutty fruit aftertaste and it sends chills down my spine. I feel it as it travels down my esophagus and into my stomach, sitting heavy like an elephant on a small wooden stool. It spreads throughout my body like an internal flame warming my insides first and then spreading the warmth out. I feel the blush creep up over my breasts and to my collar bones making its way to my neck and face. I revel in its burn and wonder if this is what spontaneous combustion feels like.

The bartender returns and asks if I would like another. I politely declined and find my way over to the stage where Rose and Alice are talking. I glanced at my watch noting that I had 15 minutes until I would be onstage offering my gratitude for support and pleading for donations to keep our organization going. I was nervous for the first time. Nervousness was never an issue for me usually I was overcome by sadness or grief, but this nervousness was bothersome.

"Bella, I need to speak to you," the smooth voice that once brought me solace immediately made me cringe in physical pain.

My gut dropped and my heart pounded fiercely inside my chest. I grabbed on Rose's arm to steady myself as I turned around to see Edward standing behind me. He dressed in a grey button down shirt tucked neatly into a pair of black dress pants. Although he looked appropiate for the event his presence was far from acceptable.

My mind raced trying to put together words that would make sense. I just wanted to be able to link words together to form sentences, sentences to use in response to his questions, sentences to use in a conversation, sentences to fight. My mouth resembled a whorehouse door on payday for the several times it opened and shut with my effort to speak.

He looked at me and smiled. It wasn't a smile that I remember from our time together or a big toothy grin, but it was the same smirk that I remember my daughter giving me the first time she smiled. Our daughter, Peyton, she had her father's smile. As I stood there I realized that I knew this and he had no idea. He stood only inches from me and didn't know that he fathered the most beautiful child. A daughter that changed everything for me, for Rose and Emmett, Jasper and Alice, and for my parents. Despite that I lost Peyton I still was blessed that I was able to share the limited time I had with her and he stood here in front of me not knowing that he too lost a child to a horrific death. That he was a father and I never told him.

Edward pulled something from his pocket and extended his hand to me. His hand closed around something.

"Edward." I whisper. The way his name falls from my lips is foreign, but it feels good to say his name out loud. I want him to say something because I can't, I need him to fill the silence.

"The night of my accident when I hit the deer. The deer ran off into the woods after I hit it and I was worried that it was hurt or suffering so I walked a little ways in. It was dark out, but something caught my attention. It was a bunch of balloons that appeared out of nowhere. I have no idea how they got past the treeline into the forest, but the balloons were caught up on a low branch. Connected to the string was a note attached to it.

I remembered when I was little we use to write notes, attach them to balloons and send them off with hope someone would find them and respond to our notes. So I opened the note."

In his hand was a note, the note I wrote to my daughter a few days ago. A note that names him as her father. A note that tells her that I still love him. A note that tells her that I wish I was with her in heaven.

Before I could even respond Alice taps my shoulder and tells me it is time for the presentation. I walk with her, but I am not present in my body. I get on the stage and give thanks for our supporters, ask for donations, and speak about our organization.

At the end of the speech the lights dim and the large screen set up behind the screen comes alive with the photos of the children and their families we want to remember. The last photo is of Peyton and I, taken the day before she died.

I try to escape while the lights are still low before Garrett or anyone else can find me. Just as I am able to get through the door I am stopped by the woman who I saw in the bathroom earlier.

"Bella?" she asked.

"Yes. Something I can help you with?," hoping I can answer her questions quickly before I am spotted.

"Actually you can help me with something. My name is Ashley. Ashley Cullen. Edward Cullen's wife. I need to talk to you."


	17. Chapter 17

_In case you forgot where we left off..._

_I try to escape while the lights are still low before Garrett or anyone else can find me. Just as I am able to get through the door I am stopped by the woman who I saw in the bathroom earlier._

_"Bella?" she asked._

_"Yes. Something I can help you with?," hoping I can answer her questions quickly before I am spotted._

_"Actually you can help me with something. My name is Ashley. Ashley Cullen. Edward Cullen's wife. I need to talk to you."_

There are moments that take your breath away. At least that is what people say or at least I think that is what I think they say. I have always assumed that these moments are good ones, like hearing those three little words for the first time, the birth of a child, or seeing the love of your existence walking down the aisle or waiting for you at the end. No one ever speaks about moments that take your breath away from pain. Loss of your child, parent, or loved one. Or in my case coming to the realization that the beautiful woman standing in front of me is Edward's wife.

Taking a deep breath and I hope my voice does not give away how effected I am.

"How can I help you Mrs. Cullen?" I do my best to keep my professional mask on remembering that I am representing our charity despite the fact I want to push the woman out of my way and flee to my safe haven.

Ashley is calm, much calmer than I would be if I was in her place. I wonder if she has noticed the similarities of my daughter to her own. I am not stupid and realize that the child with her is Edward's daughter. I just didn't know that she married Edward.

"Bella, I know about you. I know everything about you, except I, um, we didn't know you were pregnant too," she begins to explain.

"It's obvious that Peyton is Edward's daughter, I mean that could have been Olivia with you in that photo."

"Oliva?" I asked. As soon as I said the name I knew the answer.

"Our daughter, Olivia. We call her Libby. You saw us earlier in the bathroom."

I nodded my head in response unable to have this conversation. Scanning the room I looked for a way to escape. I wonder where Edward went and why hasn't anyone come to my rescue yet. My mind began to fog and the tunnels were blackening my vision. Thrurrmp. Thrurrmp. Wildly my heart pumps blood throughout my body desperate to keep my brain functioning. I began to reach, grasping for anything to keep me standing, not wanting to fall. Not now. I begin to chant. Not now. Not. Now. NOT. NOW.

Ashley watches me as the panic fills my face and my body tenses.

"I'm sorry. I can't," whispers fall from my lips as I pull away and move through the door into the fresh air.

I take in gulps of air hoping they will calm me down. With my palms on my knees and breathe steadily. I focus on each breath as if it is the only thing I am able to do. It isn't until I feel the warm, familiar hand on my back that I am back into the moment.

I turn to see Garrett. He looks disheveled with his shirt untucked and a few of the buttons undone. His hair is a mess and his face that is normally relaxed is full of tension.

"Baby, you ok?" he asks. I notice the term of endearment, but don't have it in me to correct him. I actually want drown in his affection so I do the first thing that comes naturally. I let him pull me into his arms and for the first time in a very long time I don't feel alone.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N This is for the special reviewer, you should know who you are. I have loved all the reviews, so very motivating and great feedback. As always I try to respond to every one of them and I urge you to tell me how you feel about the story. I know you all are hating Edward quite a bit, think the Bella is weak and timid, want to see more interaction, and are curious about HEA. I am trying and to show my appreciation here is another update. Remember that I am not stealing any ideas from Ms. Meyers.

* * *

><p>Watching Bella as she speaks reminds me of why I am here today. I shift nervously from one foot to the other while my hands are buried deeply into my pockets. My thumb brushes against the paper and I rub against it knowing this is my touchstone, the one thing that will ground me and finally bring the truth back into my life.<p>

The truth. It's funny because this whole time I have felt like such an asshole for what I did to Bella, but she kept my daughter from me. And now, she is gone. Dead. I would never know her, hold her, and never be able to tell her how much I loved her. I know I made my decision, my own mistakes, but the words she wrote to Peyton they changed me. Changed every thought, aspiration, and promise I have ever made.

When I decided to break free from Bella I knew that it was going to one of the hardest moments in my life. I had a child on the way and according to my parents it was time for me to grow up and face the consequences. Mom and Dad were always good at making me face the consequences of my decisions. I expected to be financially responsible and I wanted to be a part of my child's life, what was surprising was the marriage proposal that was expected from me. So while my heart was with Bella I presented Ashley with a ring, a symbol of my commitment, and we made plans to live happily ever after, or so we thought.

Things were never awful between us, most people would say we had a great marriage. At first we blamed our lack of passion on being new parents, college, my new career, but then when life began to quiet down our feelings for each other never deepened to what we both expected from a marriage. I love her and I know she loves me, but that is superficial to what I felt with Bella after a few weeks, so one summer evening we sat together on a chaise lounge under the stars and talked for the first time in four years. There were tears, accusations, and in the end we both admitted that even though we loved each other we were not in love with each other. Ashley is my best friend and I am hers, we have a beautiful daughter together. I ignored everything else in my life until I couldn't ignore it anymore.

The lights dim as the screen behind the stage comes alive with photos of children. Beautiful babies with parents, grandparents, and siblings. All had died and gone to heaven., but each photo is a moment frozen in time. A memory that no one knew how important it really was. Like me I am sure they thought there was time. There is never enough time, enough words, enough tears to make up for the past.

I think about Bella who stands on the side of the stage as she watches the photos appear and fade away. She is not the same girl I saw weeks ago, the girl that was broken and yelling, but now I see her strength that keeps her standing on that stage. To have to see those faces knowing the pain first hand, to have held a precious child in her arms and then to have had to lay them to eternal rest. It doesn't surprise me that some speak of her as weak, but to me she is a warrior. The strength she has just to get out of bed each morning is confounding and yet everyone treats her like she is made of glass. I don't think she is fragile, she is brave. She hides to protect herself and it makes sense. She is broken, damaged, unable to work under normal circumstances.

I watch as her boyfriend Garrett moves around the room trying to find her and I chuckle to myself. He tries so hard and for what? Does he know Bella? Not that I really know her because it has been so many years I still don't think he has any clue what he is getting in to. He walks up to where I stand. He tries to intimidate me and what he fails to understand is that the woman across the room is the only person in the world who could do that.

"What are you doing here, Cullen?" he snarls at me.

I laugh and shake my head. Clearly amused by his theatrics and angering him at the same time.

"Supporting a worthy cause, and you?" I ask.

"I thought you understood you are not welcome around Bella," he puffs up his chest like a chicken protecting the coop from a sly fox. He wants me to remember the night he threatened me to stay away and to never speak to her. He wants me gone so he can come in on his white horse and save the day. He actually thinks he can save her.

I take a step toward Garrett putting inches between us and I speak slowly.

"Maybe I am here to honor my daughter, Peyton."

Feeling good about my rebuttal I step back a little only to have him grab my arm and twist it behind my back. He pushes me out the nearest exit and into a small courtyard on the backside of the venue.

He throws the first punch, but I throw the last. Jasper and Emmett come to the rescue. They favor Garrett and ask me to leave. Although I catch the look on Emmett's face and he looks upset. I see Ashley off to the side and I walk to her. She wraps her arm around my waist and we leave.

Ashley tells me that Libby is spending the night with Rose and Emmett. I just nod in response and rest my head on the seat as she drives down the road.

"You sure that you still want to do this?" she asks. Her eyes are on the road, but her mind is on the situation between us.

"I am."

"It is going to be hard. She can barely have a conversation with me. Could you imagine..."

I whip my head and stare at her. It is all I can do not to scream at her. I'm an asshole, but I am not abusive.

"What the fuck are you blabbing about?" I ask as calmly as I can because Ashley talking to Bella is not something I want to happen yet if ever.

Her eyes are focused on the road and knowing her as well as I do I know she has no intention of looking at me.

"I just thought if I said something to her then maybe it would be easier to talk to her," she explains, "I just wanted to help the two of you to be able to have a chance to talk."

I let out an exaggerated breath and try to understand that Ashley is trying. She is in such a tough situation and she is still here by my side, helping me find happiness while I break all my promises to her.

"Well if that fucking idiot Garrett would get lost then maybe things would be a little easier. Rose and Emmett both agree that Bella and I need talk about Peyton. I just don't know what to do."

The radio filled the silence for a little while until we arrived at our motel. We both sat in silence for a minute before I spoke.

"I can't get her out of my mind. Everyday I think about her and I could never figure out why. I just wonder if she needs me to help grieve the loss of our daughter. Do I need this so I can move on with you? I just wish I had all the answers. For you, for Bella, for Libby. I just don't know the right thing to do.

All my life I have had my father tell me what I was going to do and now for the first time in my life I am deciding. This is so fucking scary because what if I chose wrong. I can't blame this on Carlisle Cullen, this is all on me. What if...What if..."

Tears begin to fall down my face. They fall because I am so worn out for trying to do the right thing. I open the car door and enter the motel room that we are staying in for the week. Falling face first on the bed I close my eyes and clear my mind. I wait for sleep to take me away hoping that tomorrow brings new opportunities to speak to Bella.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N This might be a hard limit for some of you. I just want to remind you that this is a Bella and Edward story, BUT sometimes the path we take is not always cleared and without obstruction. Soooo, if that is too much for you, then I'm sorry for that. I am not sorry that I chose to go in this direction. Be kind to me because I am a new writer, this is my first fic, and I have new written any lemons. I am an avid reader of them, but I am not confident of my writing skills so be gentle if you review please. As always, I LOVE your reaction, ideas, and even if you want to share what you would like to see. Thanks so much.**

_The last time we were with Bella..._

_I take in gulps of air hoping they will calm me down. With my palms on my knees and breathe steadily. I focus on each breath as if it is the only thing I am able to do. It isn't until I feel the warm, familiar hand on my back that I am back into the moment._

_I turn to see Garrett. He looks disheveled with his shirt pulled out from his pants and a few of the buttons undone. His hair is a mess and his face that is normally relaxed is full of tension._

_"Baby, you ok?" he asks. I notice the term of endearment, but don't have it in me to correct him. I actually want drown in his affection so I do the first thing that comes naturally. I let him pull me into his arms and for the first time in a very long time I don't feel alone._

I open my eyes to find the morning sun shining through the windows. Before I move a tired muscle or even take a needed breath I sense something is different around me. I remember the night before, the conversation that Garrett and I had on the way home.

He told me about the fight with Edward and I told him about what Ashley said. He held me as I cried. I kissed him. He kissed me back. I let my hands wander to places that should have been off-limits, but he encouraged it. He made me feel so good that I wasn't sure if it was real and when I came down he did it again and again. I gave myself to him, allowed him inside me, to take me, whatever was left. He whispered love with each languid thrust. I told him to shut up and fuck me.

The smell of coffee creeping through the small house and heavy footsteps somewhere outside of my bedroom confirm that I was not alone. I got up and pulled on my robe, the comfort of the cotton around me and the tightness of the belt seemed fitting after last night. Each step I took brought forth an ache between my legs that made me wet and squeeze my thighs together, but also it was the sharp reminder of hard fuck.

Garrett did not respond very well when I told him to shut up. After the first shock he did as I asked, he fucked me hard and in every way imaginable. He emptied himself on my stomach then went into the kitchen, retrieved two bottles of water, made sure I finished mine, and he fucked me again. I never knew sex could be like that, so raw and feral. The image of his body dripping with sweat or his face as he aimed his cock to come on my tits would never leave my mind.

In the early hours of the morning I woke to Garrett's arms wrapped around my body, his chest pressed against my back. His arousal was clear as I tried to move. Whispers from his swollen lips into my ears as he playfully nipped at my lobes, _be still, be very still_. Grabbing the back of my knee while pulling my leg over his hip he slid himself inside me. This time he held me tight until I literally gushed over him as he rubbed my clit in time with his thrusts. Once he emptied inside me I quickly got up to use the bathroom. When I returned to bed he was already asleep so I curled up next to him and fell asleep for a few more hours.

I found Garrett in the living room sipping a cup of coffee in his dress pants. My attention drawn to his beautifully sculptured chest I remember running my fingers over just hours ago. He had picked up our clothing that had been left on the floor from the night before and folded them neatly in piles on the couch. He was curiously eyeing the furniture rearrangement. As I walked toward him he smiles and offers me his cup of coffee.

"Good Morning," I mumbled as I reached for the cup.

"Good Morning, I was just admiring your remodel. I really like what you have done with the place."

Taking a sip from the cup and savor the taste of the coffee then take another before handing the cup back to him.

"Architecture Digest is coming next week for a photo shoot. I am aiming for the front cover," I said as I walked over to the coffee pot and poured myself a cup. Splash of cream and straight to my lips I moan at the taste of hot coffee in the morning.

Garrett hears me and smirks. I notice the rise in his pants and chuckle at his typical male response.

"Be careful silly girl, don't wake the beast," He warns as he strides over to my side taking my coffee cup from my hand and placing it on the counter next to his.

"There is a reason why I was not next to you when you woke."

I closed the gap between us not wanting to deny myself anything anymore. My body responded to his, my arms wrapped around his body. I waited for him to tell me more.

His nose traveled along my jaw up to my ear as he whispers.

"If I had to continue to lay there and watch you as you slept, listened to you as you whimpered in your sleep any longer I could not be responsible for my actions."

"I am awake now," I said as I licked his lips. The taste of coffee still present. Bold, rich, and making me feel so excited.

His large hands covered my ass as he hoisted me up with my legs around his waist.

"That is why I am taking you back to bed," he said as he carried into my room and tossed me on my bed.

"Not responsible anymore?" I asked as I bounced on the bed. The sheets were still a mess and the smell of sex lingered in the air. Making the moment even more enticing.

"Not responsible." He growled as he buries his face into my neck. His body moves against mine, far too slow for my liking. I can feel him attaching himself to me and I know that in this exact moment that I have made a huge mistake.


	20. Chapter 20

**To my buddy kfoll- Thanks for hanging in there with me. Without your support who knows when I would have posted. This one is for you.**

**As always, I don't own Twilight or any other Twilight related idea. I have no intention of wrongdoing, because that is wrong...ummmkay.**

**Previously in Chapter 19...**

"_That is why I am taking you back to bed," he said as he carried into my room and tossed me on my bed._

"_Not responsible anymore?" I asked._

"_Not responsible." He growled as he buries his face into my neck. His body moves against mine, far too slow for my liking. I can feel him attaching himself to me and I know that in this exact moment that I have made a huge mistake. _

Alone in my bedroom the smell of sex and guilt linger about and invade my thoughts pushing away any progress I made after my session with Jennifer yesterday. Her prognosis of Chronic Grief was no surprise to me. Knowing the symptoms well enough I had already labeled myself, thanks to Google and WebMD, not the best thing to do, but I am sure we all have done it before.

Shock, Denial, Depression, Guilt, Anxiety, Anger, and Reintegration. Stuck between Anxiety and Anger with dreams of someday pushing past Reintegration, yearning to feel something other than numbness, despair, and confusion. Visualizing this nightmare as a marathon I pushed myself toward the finish line only to stumble so close. It was not the first time since her death, but it was the first time I was taking a victim, Garrett.

It had been weeks since I allowed Garrett to share my bed and my body. Not once since then did I have the courage to stop him from falling for me. Seven weeks was all it took for him to whisper the three words that shook my entire universe last night. Even without my response he continued to worship my body. I did not return the sentiment nor did I bring it up. He simply kissed me goodbye before the sun rose and headed home to shower before work.

My morning routine was complete shit with my current state of confusion and bewilderment. Rushing through my shower and dressing for work I hurried out the door with just enough time to make it before the office opened.

Minutes ticked away slowly. With each phone call answered and invoice filed time was slow-moving, lethargic. I needed to keep myself occupied with my menial desk duties so I did not obsessed over my current situation. Garrett found too many reasons to come into the office during the day. Looking for Emmett, making a phone call, looking for blueprints, there were so many excuses and each time he came in he made sure to touch my body. There would be a few times when he would be bold and steal a kiss and I would push him away playfully claiming that someone would see us. Truth was that I was really wanting to push him away, far away. I was ashamed that I felt this way, but I also craved the attention he was giving me. So I decided to push it all down and focus on work until the hands on the clock positioned themselves to the place where I could finally call it a day. Without a sound I grabbed my bag and quietly moved toward the door not allowing it to slam shut like it normally would.

"By my calculations I think the benefit was a huge success," declared Rose. She sat across from me at her dining room table. Her laptop was open as she plugged the last numbers into her accounting program. It had been two weeks since the event and it was time for us to finish up the event.

I crossed names from the guest list to make sure the thank you notes were completed. The stacks of envelopes were in neat stacks around me ironically like a fortress blocking me from my friend.

"I decided that we would go ahead and give funds to the organizations that requested help. I am just waiting for your approval on those proposals," she added. I kept checking names nodding my head in acknowledgement. Rose's voice faded into the background as I noticed the name on the next envelope. Edward Cullen.

Without think I tore into the envelope to read the receipt of donation.

Five Hundred Thousand Dollars stood out like a lighthouse in a storm.

"Bella. What the hell are you doing !" Rose yelled at me from across the table.

My heart beat wildly in my chest while my mind tried to wrap itself around the why and how.

I handed her the envelope as I stood up. Her face paled as she finally understood what happened.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered feeling afraid of the answer.

"What does it matter?" she replied. Her tone was flat with little emotion. If I did not know any better she was hiding something from me.

"What does it matter? It matters a lot Rose! How could you even say that," I argued. Grabbing my purse I headed toward the door. There was no way I could sit across from her with these emotions I was feeling. I needed to get away, to breathe, to calm down.

As I turned the knob to open the front door she came from behind me and pushed the door shut.

"Did you ever think that maybe he lost his daughter too! You were not the only person who lost Peyton. I can't imagine what that does to you, but Bella open your eyes, he was her father. He KNOWS she was his daughter. He wanted to do something for her."

I remained silent, unsure of how to process the words my best friend spoke. With a defeated sigh I pushed Rose out-of-the-way and ran to my truck. Starting the engine and pulling from the drive I knew exactly what I had to do.

In the small park across town I sat on the bench across from the fountain waiting. A cool breeze chilled my aching body, but the sun was shining down upon me. The sun was usually hidden by the clouds, but today it was out. Warm and bright.

Closing my eyes and leaning my head back to rest against the bench I relaxed and took a moment to take in the rays. My cheeks warmed and began to feel…

"Bella," his voice grabbed me from where I was going the slammed me back to reality.

I squinted my eyes to let in the light only to see him standing before me. There had been weeks since the last time we had been this close, he looked different, almost exhausted.

I moved over to give him space to sit while opting to stay silent. Afraid to speak, afraid my words would be weapons and I would use them to kill.

"I was hoping we could take a walk through town," Edward said.

Confused by his suggestion and annoyed by his presence I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. This idea of trying to talk to him about what happened in the past was stupid. What could it actually do? So we had a short relationship, had sex, he dumped me, I found out I was pregnant, and turned out our daughter died after she was born. He didn't fucking care. He had the perfect marriage, daughter, and life. What would he want with Bella Swan. I am fucking nothing.

Frustrated and angry I stood up and walked away doing my best to block out his voice calling my name in the background. I almost got to my truck when I felt his hand on my shoulder and the familiar warmth spread through me. I wanted to deny it, I've tried to deny it for so many years.

"God dammit Bella, What the fuck is wrong with you?" he growled at me. His hand dropped from my shoulder and wrapped around my waist.

I could feel his breath on my neck, warm and inviting. Memories of him and I flooded my mind. Tangled in sheets. Tickles and kisses. Whispers and Promises. Leaning back I allowed myself to sink further into the darkness of his presence.


	21. Chapter 21 EPOV

My beautiful readers and followers...words can never express the emotion I feel for every review and add I receive. I may not reply and it is not because I am not appreciative. I am. I am without words at the recent response of this story. Many thanks to a few people I have recently found inspiration in. First, Ta Paixio, if not for laughs and Debtward I would be just another stalker, another spulgebabyangelmaker. kfoll, I am getting this out there before you get to me. This is long overdue, this I know.

If you are not reading Ta Paxio, then you should be. EPIC writer.

BTW. I don't own Twilight or intend to collect anything from Twilight or S. Meyers brainchild. I am just writing a story for fun. That's it.

Song is by Bear's Den. When You Break.

**EPOV**

_Spoiled, selfish little child_

_Went out to play out in the wild_

_I found you shaking like a leaf_

_Underneath your family tree_

_You could never live out in the open_

_Regretting every word you spoken_

_When you break, it's too late_

_For you to fall apart._

_And the blame that you claim_

_Is all your own fault_

_You've been crying out for forever_

_Forever's come and gone_

_You keep begging for forgiveness_

_But you don't think you've done wrong_

_You've been crying out for forever_

_Forever's come and gone_

_My bleeding hands and shaking head_

Regret is horrible. I constantly questioned myself if I had chosen the right path and it weigh heavily on me. Every day I wake with these intense surreal thoughts of a life that I could have lived while attempting to live the one I chose. I make my feet push forward through the motions, I smile when I have to smile, I eat when I have to eat, I speak when I have to speak, I drive when I have to drive, I do what I have to do to just get through. At the end of each day my head hits the pillow and I try to remember any point of the day when I was happy. I usually come up with nothing. Maybe when I talk to Libby I feel happy...maybe.

My pain is self chosen, I know. There is nothing I can do about it. No words could be spoken, no actions could be made, I need to suffer in silence while the rest of world lives on. That's what the hardest part is. The living. The realization that I once had a daughter with the beautiful girl who stole my heart and never gave it back. Nobody knows of course how I feel, not even my wife. I have enough affection and love, if you call it that, to give to my family. Of course Libby is the exception I love my daughter, but when I learned about Peyton something changed. This overwhelming guilt for loving Libby while Peyton was dead. She was gone and I never knew. I never knew what she looked like the day she was born, what she sounded like when she cried, what she smelled like all snuggled in soft baby clothes and blankets. I'll never hold her, soothe her, and I will never tell her that I loved her. This realization has broken me. You would think what I had already done should have made me feel guilt, but it didn't. I justified it by knowing I was making the right decision for my child until I found out about my other child, my daughter who is no longer here for me to know or love.

I think about Bella and what it must have felt like to...I can't think about it. My pain is not just for me, but it is Bella too. She lost her child, then it came to me that I also lost my daughter. That is when I began to pull back from my family wanting to gain some closure from the situation. In some way I blamed her because she should have told me when she was pregnant. Finding out I was a father by a note attached to a balloon is not ideal. She had years to tell me and coincidently I choose to move to a small town in Washington State and my life takes a detour.

I need to see her, talk to her, be with her. I needed Bella to help me. To understand, to believe, and if I'm lucky to love again. That makes me a huge asshole, I know. I regret being that asshole.

Getting information from Emmett was easy and he was willing to help me out when it came to this situation. At first he wasn't pleased to learn that it was his old friend from a neighboring college that impregnated his best friend, but after a few long talks he learned my side of the story. He didn't agree with how I handled it, but he also remembered the issues I had with my parents so he also knew the hold they had on me. The pressure of being a Cullen back then was suffocating. At the time I just walked away from a girl I loved and stepped up to the responsibility I needed to.

He promised to keep it to himself and do what he could to help. He also promised to kill me if I did anything else to hurt Bella.

I didn't want to hurt her, I really didn't. All I wanted was to talk to her and find out the truth, to learn about my daughter. The only thing I have not questioned is the love I have for Bella Swan. I love her, but realistically I know that was the last thing that needs dealing with. I was a married man with a family of my own and I knew she was dating some guy that worked with Emmett.

All I needed to do was to meet her somewhere we could talk. Somewhere she felt safe and we could start with simple questions.

What harm could this really do?


	22. Melancholia Chapter 22

**A/N: Standard Disclaimer that Twilight does not belong to me. Nothing belongs to me, not even my tears. Even they leave quickly down my face...**

**Thanks so much for all the support from all you. So many followers, I don't deserve it because I am not holding up my end of the bargain by updating, but know that I am trying everyday. These characters are part of me in some way. I don't deserve your support, but I appreciate it all the same. And if you have not read or know about the book, Innocents (Dusty #1) by Mary Elizabeth. It is out now. Amazing story. One of my top 3 fanfics in the Twiworld. I read it in record time and it is edited and different. Amazing good with the sequel coming out in October (?).**

**as always, blackswan**

As your love starts to surround you

All of their words are trying to drown you

And you break, it's too late For you to fall apart

And the blame that you claim Is all your own fault

But you've been crying out for forever

Forever's come and gone

You keep begging for forgiveness

But you don't think you've done wrong

You've been crying out for forever

Forever's come and gone

My bleeding hands and shaking head

-Bear's Den

My eyes adjust to the dim light that has been kept on beside me. I'm horizontal and grateful, knowing I am in a bedroom. Too afraid of the pressure between my ears to over think, the vice-like grip on my brain takes over...turning the mental lever until it becomes too much. I use my other senses to tell me what I need to know not wanting to overuse my bruised grey matter. Feeling a soft, warm blanket over me I know I'm lying in a bed somewhere. The mattress is beyond anything I've ever experienced before. The bed is still made and I'm on top of it all with a throw, maybe cashmere or a rich material like that. With each breath I take I smell familiarity. Not something I can immediately place, but it's enough to keep me burrowed down and subconsciously safe. Otherwise, it smells like a well-kept home. Someone has cleaned recently, sprayed Febreze throughout the house or lit lavender-scented candles.

I hear the ticking of a clock close by and I wonder if it's on a wall or on a table. I think about the time. I wonder if I care. I know I don't. I turn my head carefully so to not make any noise. In the distance I hear a voice, melodic, pained. Familiar instrument strums softly, quietly. My heart bleeds and breaks and remembers.

My eyes open. I know where I am. Before my brain can protest my body takes over. I am through the door without looking at my surroundings and going down a hallway trying to find him. "Edward?" I repeat. My voice is scratchy, tired, but with effort I finally get it loud enough. "You're awake," his words are quiet when I finally find him in the living room. He is sitting on the floor with a guitar. A memory flows through my mind. One with him and that same guitar years ago strumming chords. Mindless melodies played on days when we hung out in his dorm. Edward is still dressed in his dress pants and shirt, but his hair is a mess and the guitar is in his lap. He looks like hell and I can't decide if he's drunk, sleep deprived or both. I nod in response unable to form words because that's what I do around him. Close up. In between unable and unwilling to talk.

He places the guitar to the side and stands up. He appears so tall and mature. I can't tell if it's because I'm groggy or possibly afraid of what may happen but his good looks are making me uncomfortable.

Being sensible I put myself on high alert to his possible charms and decide to walk straight up to him and demand the answers I need. His face is unreadable as he offers me a seat on a comfortable, large sectional couch that is in the center of the room.

"You still play?" The words slip from my mouth. Internally I scoff at myself for being a such a pussy.

"I do." He replies looking embarrassed, "Usually when I'm alone. I thought you would have slept longer. Are you ok?"

That question. Are you ok? I hate that question because it is so loaded. Honestly I am not ok for so many reasons yet here I am breathing and alive with people who love me, for some that is enough. Can I tell him that? Can I scream at him? Tell me that I hate him for what he did to me? That seeing that band on his finger is like a big fuck you. Instead I laugh nervously and relax into the plush cushions.

"I'm fine and sorry I blacked out on you. I...I...

"Don't have to explain anything to me now. Just relax. Do you want something to drink?" He asks. His eyes focused on me looking for something I am not going to give him.

"I'm fine. I do want something though." I ask hoping he be comfortable to give me this one thing.

"Yeah. Anything you need?" He is in front of me, ready to give me something. Unaware that I am not going to ask for a simple refreshment.

"Play our song. Like you use to when it was just us. So I know it wasn't just a dream."


	23. Melancholia Chapter 23

**A/N Disclaimer: Twilight and it's characters are not mine. I have no intention of copyright infringement.**

**This is turning more into a drabble type of story and I am sorry for that, but I am doing the best I can. I won't abandon this.**

**I just wanted to get this out there to you guys. Remember I am a retail manager, my life is CRAZY busy this time of the year.**  
><strong>Thanks for all that support me, you are the reason I keep writing. Positive reviewsfeedback get positive results. Also I want to thank The Beatles. You will know why in just a few lines...**

_We left off with Bella….._

Images that have been locked away long ago were bursting through my mind. I wished to no longer think of these things and with all the years that had passed I thought I had forgotten. But ever since that short time so many years ago I continue to think of love when autumn rolls around. The smell of dry leaves, apples, and the feeling of crisp air. They make me want to feel again, but this man in front of me is the reason I can't and the reason I should.

I watched as his hands maneuvered over the neck of the guitar. A simple tune, known by many, but special between the two of us back then.

I felt compelled by something deep inside of me. Fear, longing, fear, or maybe this man in front of me who was someone to me once. He broke me, but I felt like if I tried let him in maybe he could help me be the glue to piece a few of my parts together again.

As the song finished he looked at me. Not a glance, but at me directly. Without breaking eye contact he restarted the song again and without thinking I just opened my mouth and sang back to him.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn how to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arrive._

Tears wet my cheeks, but I felt good. Edward placed the guitar next to him on the floor and came closer to me. He sat beside me and I was nervous. Maybe not for the right reasons, but for all the wrong ones.

"You still have a beautiful voice," the silence broken with his declaration.

"What are we doing here?" I asked as I exhaled the breath I had held.

"I brought you back here because you kinda zoned out on me and I didn't.." he hesitates and I take the opportunity.

"No. Not that. What are we doing together here? Now?" I asked. Remembering the self-preservation I promised myself, although I was acting careless at the moment.

"Don't you think it's time we talk about our daughter?" he asked. Almost too careful with his words that made me wonder what his real intentions were.

His face strangely expressionless, but it struck a nerve when he claimed my daughter as his own. Peyton was mine and it was time he understood that I didn't share even in memory very well. Her absent father would be no different.

"There is no our there is only mine", I stated firmly, "You ran, left, whatever you want to call it and from that moment I found out I was pregnant she was mine. You were busy with the girlfriend you already had. I know now she was also pregnant and your rich boy life back home."

Edward winced, but said nothing.

"Our daughter?" I laughed as I stood up and put a much-needed distance between us.

"She has never been our daughter, only mine. You have a daughter and she is very much alive. So why don't you fucking leave me and my fucking life alone! Why are you even here?"

My hands clenched into fists at my sides wanting to attack the man who stood before me.  
>Anger reaching warning levels as the blooded pumped thunderously through my body. Whenever I got like this I was more likely to pass out or have "crazy episode", but I was having a difficult time caring.<p>

"And one more thing if you forgot because I could never. That time when I approached you on campus. When you acted like I was just a hook-up or some random girl. Do you know what that did to me? Do you have any idea?"

I fought the tears but gave him a moment to think back while I could easily remember the moment my heart broke the very first time. When I finally found Edward on campus after the weekend he never called me. Excited to see him I approached him only to hear the hurtful words I will never forget.

**Flashback **

**"Your boyfriend? Did we hook up last weekend at Newton's? Honestly little one, I have no idea what you are talking about. Oh, wait!" he paused for a moment. The two guys standing on each side of him were laughing. Mocking me.**

**"You are in my English Lit class aren't you? Did we have a study group together because I am pretty sure that I would never just fuck someone like you," his words were sharp. **

**End Flashback**

Twisted in an unrecognizable expression I barely recognized his face, he looked tired. Not from lack of sleep, but from lack of something I could not place.

"I want to explain so much to you but before that I think we need to talk about Peyton", he spoke in a whispered voice.

"I don't know if I can," I told him as honestly as I could, "The feelings I have for you are keeping me from telling you."

"Feelings?" He asked, he seemed relieved and I caught a sign that he felt that he may have had hope.

"Not good ones", I replied.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, I am a broke ass bitch who is attempting to write the demons from her head. Stephanie Meyers is great and owns all of Twilight. I have no intention to take that away from her.**

**Hello my patient readers and there are some new ones out there too. Here is Chapter 24. I have no idea where this story will take me, but I love all the feedback because sometimes I actually change paths. The song below is again from Bears Den, If I Break. Enjoy.**

We all deal with loss daily. We lose our keys, phones, maybe our sanity at times. Then there are losses of a different size. Losing a battle of addiction, a friend,or a dream.

The greatest loss I always thought was of love. When the man I was certain I loved crushed me, but that was until I lost my child.

If I had known that my days with Edward were limited, I would have done it all differently. Everyday, I would have changed something to keep him, but that's hindsight for you. 20/20 is so fucking clear, but I still wore those rose-colored glasses today. Thinking I could move forward was an impossible dream and the consequences were huge.

I thought that maybe Edward could be the answer to fixing myself. Ironic or not, sometimes it's the one who broke it that should fix it. Right?

When I left his home I made sure to keep my emotions directed toward Edward. It was all I had to protect myself from what had transpired at his house.

Climbing into Garrett's truck shame burned through me. Ashamed to admit that he was too good for me because when I looked at this man I wanted the other.

It was silent in the cab except for the sound of the road. No radio playing to fill the void. I suppose he did this on purpose to force me to talk, but I was not going to speak to him.

What would I say, 'Hey Garrett, being with Edward tonight made me think of having his body hovered over mine, making love to each other. I wish he would have taken me on that couch instead of being in this truck with you. Does that bother you?'

Since we began sleeping with each other I made a point to try to keep him at a safe distance. Self preservation? Maybe. I wondered if it was for him or myself.

Edward had called Garrett to pick me up and told me when he was on his way. First surprised, then I was angry. Surprised he called him to pick me up and angry that I was leaving before we had finalized whatever we were doing.

Driving through the forest lined roads I thought about what transpired between Edward and I. How I yelled at him over my daughter's memory and how he broke down. Crying for forgiveness that I wasn't able to give, forgiveness that I had not even given myself.

Despite everything, I still wanted to comfort him during his breakdown. When his crying turned to sobs and he looked at me with his red-rimmed green eyes and began to say words that only I could understand in this place, I too began to cry.

"Why..why did this happen" and "why couldn't it have been me" made me realize, stupidly, that he had to mourn something even if it was just an idea in his head. I knew that as a parent he could imagine the loss, but I wanted him to understand that it shouldn't have happened this way.

Holding his head to my chest I rocked him until he quieted. The situation not lost on me, but nonetheless it was happening, I felt relieved when he pulled back.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to have done this to you", he spoke. Tears running down his face.

"I loved you so much and I fucked it up...fucked it all up"' his confession falling off his lips.

Unsure of what to say or what to do I do whatever I needed to do to keep him quiet. I kissed his tear-stained lips. Kept those beautiful lips busy so I didn't have to hear his confessions anymore.

It was as if everything froze. There was no more weight of our problems, our stress, or our hostage emotions. It was just us and we were kissing as our hands began to move against one another. His palms were warm as they cupped my cheeks, with the swipe of his tongue I allowed him to deepen the kiss, he was taking me over.

I was entranced from the taste of his mouth to the smell of his body. Unwilling to stop, but wanting to so bad. There was a pull between us and I wanted to mean everything I hoped, but I was aware if was residual lust. We had always been attracted to one another so it was no surprise when he pushed me down on the sofa and began to kiss down my jaw to my neck. Nuzzling himself into the crook where he seemed to fit so perfectly.

"Edward," I tried to say with a solid voice, although it came out as a whimper.

He took it as a moan of pleasure and moved his hands, one on my right hip and his left firmly cupping my breast. My nipples hardened to his touch. I was begging for more as I arched into his hands, his lips trailing down toward my chest. The hardness of his body on mine made my heart race and my stomach flip.

Then it hit me...Garrett. I was with Garrett. It was all I could do to pull myself away and the look on his face was guilt. Being a married man he knew what he was doing was wrong. Now he was leaning over me aroused ready to take whatever I had to offer.

Before I could make a move the doorbell chimed and I scurried from under him off the sofa flattening my outfit as I walked away. He sat up the look of defeat in his eyes and with a huff he got up, adjusted himself and answered the door to find Garrett standing there waiting to take me home.

_Tell me everything I want to hear_

_Why won't you lay here by my side?_

_I want to fuck away all of my fear_

_I have seen enough to've seen_

_And I have been where you've been_

_And no, our hands will never be clean_

_At least we can hold each other_


End file.
